Wednesday, November 23, 2005

2005 is coming to an end. During this year many things happened, good and bad. Sometimes i am confused about which of it is good and which of it is bad. I just feel that everything happen so fast that i can't handle them all. I never regret doing anything last time but now i regretted a few doings. I have emotions that i do not have last time and i got feelings i did not experience before. I can't even explain things clearly to myself now. I started to do things i used to hate and i stopped doing things i used to like. Nowadays i don't feel like staying at home but i always like to stay at home last time. I start to treasure friendship unlike last time. But the fact that friendships never last keeps hurting me. Now i am trying to freeze my heart back before it completely melts away. Sometimes i don't even know what i am doing. It never pays to be too focus into something. Am i too comitted or am i not committed enough? I will always face this question in whatever i do. Things you do for others are often not appreciated but i keep doing all this stupid things. I am now always concern about others' feelings when i know that this feelings have no benefit to me and will cause me to think about it. I am a christian but i used to detest religions. I now give lead my life as an example for others, but last time i don't even care what people think of me. I reduces drinking to almost zero in my life where i used to drink almost all the time. I reduce the number of ghost and religious movie that i love alot. I never respected any teachers but now i am giving them my attention and respect. What is happening to me? What have i become now? I am neither in the past nor am i living in the present. I am confused of who i am and what i have become. Should i stick to who i am now or should i go back to who i was? I will be more carefree and less worries if i go back to who i am and i will not be emotionally hurt as i am now. But i will not have a purpose in life to live for. confused in this situation and i am experiencing a bad event that i can't get over. All this is pushing me to the corner and i can't find anyone to share my problems with. Just hope to sleep and don't wake up......