Sunday, June 25, 2006

Down with chickenpox and have been sick for the past week and got an MC for two weeks until 2/7. This means i am going to miss block test and don't know what to do. Am i going to have make up or what about this 30%? I really do not know. What a lousy time for this. Don't know why but now i just fear exams, i just fear not able to pass them. I even fear not being able to make it up to year two.
I hate this feeling but i just can't get it away. I have been at the top in secondary school and now i know the feeling of being at the bottom. I may seem to be able to leave everything behind and start the new year but this few days of resting just let me think of many things. I just can't put it down, the fact that i retain and all. I am just not myself. I just feel like crying. I really need someone who understand to talk to and not just anyone who think they know. I really need someone close whom i can really talk to and not afraid that he/she might tell others. I have never felt so lousy ever. I can't gather the courage to face the next day.
Even now at this moment. Although i need not go to school tomorrow for the block test but i know i will have to face the conseqences. The thought of block test just freaks me out. No matter how spiritual i might seem to others, i am just not spiritual enough to face all this by myself. I just fear exams, tests and faiure.
what i really need now is a good shoulder for me to cry on and a good and close friend that i can share all i am feeling with and even able to cry infront without worries. I have held my tears for about half a year and all my sufferings is like a cup filled with water and it is up to its brim.
So many things just keeps stacking up and i just can't take them and just cover them up. A mere mortal man like just can't handle them all. Where is God when you need him most? where is friends when you seek them most? where is love when you desire most? So many things just keeps coming and time is just as merciless. Sometimes i just wonder how did i manage to hold on for the past six months? GOD i need you now!!!