Tuesday, February 27, 2007

It ain't gonna be another emo entry. Nowadays I am constantly seeking for God's answer. Maybe I can call it revival? I feel that little bit of love from God. Also, she said something today which made me feel so happy. I think I am really falling for her. Is it God's will?

Anyway, my point of writing this blog is to write down some goals I set for myself for the next few years.

1) getting a 2 star kayaking cert by end of 2007
2) getting my Badminton coaching licence by 2010
3) getting my driving licence + car by 2012
4) renting a house with friends by June
5) making a new pair of specs by August
6) getting at least 3 Bs for A levels
7) getting tan and build up by July(hopefully in June)

Well that is about it. Just want to thanks some friends who have encourage me and supporting me all the way. I can only say that I am confuse now and I can't offer any answers to you all now. Just give me some time and don't outcast me for now. Please help me keep this low until I am certain.

For now, I just hope to concentrate on my studies and not to forget my passion for Badminton. Just a few more months before all this become a thing of yesterday. I now know the cause of my emo-ness. That is Chinese literature's fault. All the things that I encounter, all the text and all is very emo.



Sunday, February 25, 2007

In church today, Jolene asked me a good question. "have I made up my mind?" Well I wondered for a moment what was she asking about. Then I realise she was asking if I am going to leave ministry and church. After that second, my heart sank deep down. I was still happy to be in the house of God before that.

Deep down in me, I was convinced that I am leaving. But I just do not know how to put it to Wendy, my G12 leader. I am sorry that I cause all of you to worry but I am not the one that raise all this up to you all. I just hope to leave quietly.

To my old G12, I hope you all can focus more on the current members. I am of the past and I do not wish for you all to worry to much for me. Not to be harsh or what but you all have to read more of the bible and act in accordance to it. Not point trying to be concern for me yet forgetting that you all are lacking in God's obedience. That is one of the reason I want to leave the G12. You all may know God's word but you all never practice what you preach.

Firstly, the attitude of everyone in G12. Friends or no friends you all do not respect His authority. Seriously do you all come for the lesson or the fellowship? Do you all want God's blessing or you want it your way? How many do bring the bible to G12? Do you respect God's authority? Do you do what is right? Or do you make exceptions?

Secondly, the behaviour in church. No respect for the leaders in church. Do things your own way. Enter into the service late, demanding where you want to sit. Is there a need to enter late? Waiting for a friend to go in together? Isn't your friends Christian? Why put man before God? Is it not necessary to prepare our heart for worship? You people come early but just enter the service late. What is the reason? Did you come to worship man or God? Even for Luke, you used to bring a bible to church, but now? You only bring the thought of friends with you. Where is God in your heart?

Thirdly, Where is the hear of worship when you come to church? What is in your mind? To come and worship God? No. All of you want to come church on Sunday because you want to go out with friends. Don't denial it. It is true deep down within you. You come to church wanting to find your clique and to chat about your own topics instead of God. You people is more excited to know where to go after church, what to do and who is going. Even as leaders you all are doing the same.

Trying to convince me of God's hate against sin? Well for me to leave church is not as great a sin as fake prophets trying to preach God's words. In your action have you did what is right? I don't think so. So no point trying to tell me what I should or should not do.

I am disgusted by all your actions. I am disappointed by what you all have learnt. If I go on to write about what is not right with the G12, I can go on forever. So please don't try and talk me through. I will just want to leave even more. Search your own behaviours before trying to convince others. It will just show how hypocrite you people are.

Ever wondered why the G12 never grow? No point in cheap talking. Search all your actions. You people are just not doing what is in accordance to God's words. Is there equality? Is there bias-ness? Is there hypocrisy? If there isn't I won't want to leave. Maybe to others you might fake it through. But deep down you all will know what you all have done wrong. Have you all really glorify God in your actions? Followed the commandments?

How can I still stay in such an environment? I wish to grow spiritually. Well not that I did not mention all this during my stay. But you people are just too blinded by friendship that you all ignored my words. No point for me to stay if I can't get into your circle. If you people are happy with what you all are doing, so be it. May God have mercy on your soul.

I hate the people not because of personal reasons, but sometimes they do. Have you considered why I hate those people? If you people are more incline to God's words, you all will know who to mix with. Sorry to say but I am really disappointed in Luke. At first I thought you are the sensible one but I am wrong. You are just as folly as the world is. Not to be harsh or anything but if you don't change, you will never be prosperous in the name of the Lord. You do want your friends ask you to do. But you just forget to see if it is right in God's sight. Nowadays I see you always going out with your clique and spent a lot of money always. Going to place that require to spend a lot. And returning home late most of the times.

Is that right? Doesn't the bible teach you to honour your parents? Does going out early and returning home late honour them? Spending so much is right in God's sight? I am really sorry to say this but you are walking towards your doom if you don't change your ways. Not that I am jealous that you people are very close but as a friend, I just hope you know where the line is. You really have a lot of potential and I really hope that you will not put your talent to waste.

Anyway, my decision to leave is almost certain. Nothing except God himself can change my mind. I am saying all this in the authority of God. Not from me but from the father. I do not have a change to tell you all personally and I hope you all will read this. I do not live on the love of man but the love of God. You all can hate me and curse me but search your heart if it is really clear of sins.

Luke, I only hope you know where I am coming from. Do what is right in the eyes of God, not of man. Don't do things just to please your friends. Hate me for saying all this if you want. But just know that I say all this in concern for you.



Thursday, February 22, 2007

Not feeling well today and went to see the doctor. Headache since yesterday. The doctor say that it is due to over-stressfulness. I totally agree with him. I am really stress and do not know how to handle it on my own.

Everything is as good as it last. The good days are over. Now it is all hard work. No point reminiscing the past when it is all a thing of the past. The good old days just seem so far away. I am just emotional. Putting too much emotion into everything I do. But it is just me.

Scan through all the songs I have on my computer and realise that at least 90% of them are emo songs, all sad songs. I just love them very much. Listening to them just brings back so much memories. My heart just sank when I am listening to the songs.

I don't care what people think of me but I just hope to express myself and let everything out in this post. So it will be a little long.

I hasn't felt such great emotion since the day I know how to spell my name. It is like losing a part of me. I do not know why I am feeling such pain and since when it started. I do not know if it is a good thing or not. But I am quite certain who did it. God is the one who put all this emotions into me. Before I get to know God in a personal way, I do not bother about all this matters. Friends are like passing wind and studies makes no impact in my life. I do what I like when I like. Now, friends has become an important part of me. They have taken an important place in my life.

I hate being neglected. I hate not being in the limelight. I just hope people to be aware of my existence and try to gain my attention. It may just be egoistic to many. But it is what motivates me. I am not asking to have it all but I just hope for a little of it. Everyone hopes to be picked first into any group. Who will hope to be picked last? To be the unwanted one. Or to be pitied by others. Having to be a favourite when the teacher ask everyone to pick a project partner. Going out with friends and being asked by many instead of like tagging along when nobody ask you at all(not hinting someone I hate).

It is not wrong to ask for a bit more concern. It is not wrong to ask for some love. It is certainly not wrong to ask for a bosom friend. I admit I am not a perfect friend but I do accept criticism. I do change. Just give me a chance to do so. I know it is impossible to force someone to be your bosom friend that's why I am not asking anyone to be. I let things take its own course.

I feel very depress as well. I can't really tell the cause of it but I am seriously in depression. I may look fine and all, that's because I don't want people to sympathise me. I get all emotional all of a sudden nowadays even me myself do not know why. I hate it a lot. I am really tired of it all, I am really tired of myself. I want to have a break, I need to have a break. Away from this Christian walk, away from this responsibility. It is just so great a burden to bare. I am too weary to continue. I do not want to put a false front before others. I really need some new form of encouragement. The pride of life is truly difficult to put aside.

A few words for my friend:

To Luke- My friend. I truly enjoy your company since I know you. At first when I got to know you, I do not really want to be too close to you. You seem so spiritual and friendly that I fear one day you will substitute my existence. But now, all this seems unimportant, if my friends forget about me it just shows that I am not important in their life. Better for them to forget me now. Anyway, you are really a good confide and friends. Thanks for being there and willing to talk to me at times. Just hope that you can have a stronger will and not be easily influence by others. Know what to do and when to do things. Not because your friends ask of you. Dare to stand out and be different. Do not sin because of other people's action. I really treat you as a good friend and hope our friendship will be as good as it last. Hope we will have more chance to really fellowship. Hope that we will have good memories before I do leave church. Nothing last forever, neither friends nor foes.

Proverbs 18:24 (Today's New International Version)

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24 (New American Standard Bible)

A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.

Proverbs 18:24 (Amplified Bible)

The man of many friends [a friend of all the world] will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24 (New Living Translation)

There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.



Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Feeling emo right now. Feel like crying but my tears are almost dried. Stressed but of course. Assignments due tomorrow and I have yet to touch them. Just can't focus I guess. There is a test tomorrow and I have yet prepare for it.

I am so lost right now. Should I ask her? I can't get over her. The feeling of her beside me, the sound of her voice. When she hold my hand, the feeling is there. Am I just desperate? I so want to mention her name here so that she will know I love her. There is just no friends that is beside me now. I turned away some of them because they are just not who I need right now. True that they have known me for so long but I just don't think they are those that I want beside me right now.

God just seem so far. I even question God yesterday. I asked him so many question. I asked him for his plans. I guess I am just not strong enough to pull through. God just brings me up to cloud 9 and dropped me so hard that I fall onto the ground. I get jealous, angry and even hatred when I think about it. I wish I could just pull out. I can't take anymore setbacks. God's favor is not on me anymore. Nothing seems to go right. Nobody seems to understand me. While walking home from Orchard yesterday, so many things just appear in my mind. My tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes. I have tried, I really did. But I guess I just don't fit in. I need my own environment, drowning myself in Badminton. Why? Why is God not answering my prayer?
I really need the support this year as I am doing my A levels. I can't afford to be distracted. But I know if I continue, I will not be able to focus. Call it selfish or whatsoever, but I really hope for a 100 per cent commitment from my friends. To be there for me 24/7 and me alone. To care for me and to accompany me. Stick by me at all times. True, it may sound demanding but I am not forcing. It is just what I wish for. Know me and love me at all times.

Maybe what I really need is her. After all she is who I dream of all the time. Since God has failed me and church mate has been disappointing, she is all I have left. But I am just to afraid and timid to confess to her. Does she just treat me as a friend? Does she has any feelings for me? At least I do.

Sorry meng hui, I tried to mix in but I guess I am just not able to fit in. I live in my own world and my own demands. I did tried but I guess I am just not good enough for you all. Not that I am too holy but I am just confuse. I just hope to do accordance to God's words and not live a double standard life. Being a white wash tomb is the last thing I want. I really do not want to leave you guys but if I stay, I will be hurt even more. I am really tired and I really need a break. A long long break. Heal my broken heart and to recuperate. The time will be coming soon.

I do not know if choosing this path is correct but I just feel very tired and stressful. I need someone who cares. The obstacles and sacrifices I have made in this journey is really tough. Knowing what is right is easy, but doing what is right is just so difficult. The temptation is just too great and I am too weak on my own. I need someone to comfort me. I thought luke can be a substitute for meng hui but I am wrong. No matter how good he is to me, he is still not meng hui. The feeling is different. Luke has his own friends and own thinking. I really hope that he can substitute meng hui and we can be as good a friend as possible.

ExTrEmSaD will always be extreme sad. I really hope to change. Will you help me?



Sunday, February 18, 2007

Firstly wishing all a happy Chinese New Year. Wish everyone enjoy this time of celebration. Play well, eat well and lots of ang baos.

Well not really in the mood for celebrations. A lot of things on my mind and maybe also A levels this year. Tons of homework waiting for me to touch them, exams and tests waiting for me to study. Responsibilities there for me to undertake and Badminton training waiting for me.

So many things on my mind recently. Studies is surely one of them, but it is not rank top. Friendships, relationships, church, spiritual life and so many more. Don't know how long I can take all this. Going down real soon. I guess I will soon get into depression and overstressed. I am losing my grip on God. I can't seem to hold on.

Most important issue is relationship. This girl in school is in my mind almost everyday. Know her since last year and really get to know her better since end of last year. Friendly, cheerful, and helpful. Her smile just entice and charmed me. I really want to jio her, but I guess I am just a coward who fear rejections. Maybe I should wait will our friendship grows stronger first. And slowly get closer to her.

Secondly is friendship. Thank God for giving me so many friends that is there to keep me company. But I always feel this sense of loneliness, because who I really need is him. Once have been close but now astray. With him I feel so much happier. He is someone I feel we have so much in common. He is also one whom I am so willing to sacrifice for. But now, guess he prefer his clique of friends. Things change as time passes and I am not blaming anyone. It is part of life anyway. Nothing last forever, neither friends nor foes. But I will never forget the good times we have and I will forever hope and pray for a reconcile.

Church is another part of my life that I am facing a turmoil. To stay or to leave? To stay is because of HIM. To leave is because of THEM. God did speak to me a lot but I am just too weak now. I really hope I can be as strong as meng hui spiritually. He is really my role model in life. But the temptation to leave is just too great. I am just too hurt to remember the good times. I am just disappointed by all the negative memories. I am just so sad that I am not able to focus on God. I do not remember when was the last time I read my bible. I just can't bring myself to flip through.

I am just so confuse. I do not know what to do. To choose between worldly desire or spiritual welfare. To confront my friends in church or to just leave like the wind. To give everything up and start afresh or to fight for what I want. Decisions, decisions, decisions. How I wish HE will be there to help me out with all this like what HE promised. Or is it just a casual remark to toy with my feelings? Am I too emo? I guess I am. I am just too fragile and even more during this period of time. I really need her and HIM in my life.

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33 (NIV)

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.Proverbs 18:24(NIV)



Friday, February 16, 2007

Wednesday was Valentine's day and I spend it playing Badminton with xuanqi, hongli, yuanlin, zhuwen and jiahao. That was like a pre-arranged date. While others are celebrating the day with their love ones, I am spending it with my racquet. No choice, who ask my wife to be my racquet. But I really hope that I can spend the day with friends like luke or meng hui. But it is God's will, no choice.

Thursday was a long day of school and by this time, I am already dead beat. No more energy left and I am still feeling very sick. Tons of assignment arranged for this new year. Time of celebration becomes a time of mugging. Well hated the studies but still love going to school. To meet friends who is every willing to cheer me up no matter how stressed or down I may be. Send a sms to 2 friends in church. Asked them a question that is very relevant to my situation. But the answer was just any normal answer and not what I have in mind.

Today was cross-country run at East coast park. As usual, running was never my sport. Went for breakfast at Mac and saw huiyun. After the event went with friends to town to buy some clothes for new year.

This week is a difficult week for me. Talked with wendy about my decision to stay or not. Well at least I can talk to someone about all this. Someone to talk to about how I am feeling inside. Someone to share my burden. Frankly to say all that is keeping me from making the step out is one person. He is one that I made a lot of promise to, whom I will call a brother. Reading the letter he gave me made me feel the warm of the friendship. But the determination to leave is still very strong. The disappointments, the setbacks.

Deep down I wish that someone will want me to stay. But that someone still have not come to ask of me yet. I am not trying to attract attention or what-so-ever. I guess I am just demanding more than what I have. I don't know how long I can continue.

I really want to thank my school friends who are always there for me.
Friends who never fail to brighten my day:
sharon, jiahao, justin, huiyun, martin
Friends who are always there for me:
sharon, jiahao, shannon
And thanks to those whom I know in school;
jonathan, huishan, bella, jiemin, adeline, justin, zhuwen, jiahao, also to everyone who knows me.

I really appreciate all of you. All of you have made my days in YJC memorable.



Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Took some time to read through a few of my friends blog. Well I should say those that I think is my friend.

Some of them have not update their blogs for a long time. And some, well lets put it that they have migrated.

For many it is just an emo entry. For the past few entries, it is nothing but emo-ness. Everyone is just so emo nowadays. Maybe it is the trend now or just maybe it is the weather. But the most convincing answer I can suggest is that when we put in too much, we are bound to get hurt. The hurt that we suffer will be so great that it will not be easy for us to get over it.

From friends, family, school, studies, relationship to shows. Every one of this can be a trigger to our emo-ness in us. we are just so fragile nowadays.

For me, I am just another emo freak. Just like any other emo freak out there, I am easily sadden. All I need is a caring friend who is there for me all the time. To show concern and care. Offering a listening ear and accompany me all the time. Or even a girlfriend who will accompany me when everyone else leave me. Well I guess this is what every emo freak out there wants.



Monday, February 12, 2007

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Please press stop at menu bar to listen to songs..

One day late, but never mind. I was sick the previous days and I went back on Friday to help with the decoration. My knowledge of the class tells me not many will help. Just as I have guessed, only two or three stayed to help. Forget about the negative things that happened on that day, thanks to all my friends who welcomed me on the way. They really helped me to feel better.

More on the actual day of Celebrating Values Day. It is not much of a fun event to others maybe. But I guess for those who have friends in all corners of the school, it is a good day to interact with all of them. To play, to eat and mainly to have fun. To me, it is a chance to interact with my friends in school and get to play some games and really relax. Especially during this period when I am sick and almost in a state of depression. Not to forget about totally stressed up.

I reached school about 12pm and wanted to help, but what I didn't expect was another bossy person thinking his so great. I not afraid to say this but stop being such a two-face freak. Who made you the boss over everyone and ordering everyone to do things? You are nothing. Just living in your own world looking at things from your perspective. Don't just hear say and don't go into things that doesn't concern you. I don't know why you want to know other people's problem when all you can do is to sit there and criticise.

Enough of that. As I was not in good form, I got myself to sit there and do the final part of the key chain. It was a busy day and so much to do. I have no time to rest and I am already so tired and dead. Worked all the way till I lost contact with time itself. I just see myself doing the same thing over and over again. But when I had a small break, I went with jiaquan(j1 friend) and check out what zhuwen was doing with his class. I paid to throw paint at zhuwen.It was fun lar. After that short break, went back to my class and continued with what I am doing.

Until like don't know what time, Sharon came to accompany me. She is such a good friend. She helped to pack the key chains and did some other things for us. When the sky turned dark, I told myself I am not going to stay. I want to go for my dinner. So Sharon and I went to get some food and well, nothing to complain. Just need to keep our stomach full. After dinner, we went to scout around the whole fair. We went to the disco organised by her ex-class which was totally cool. With smoke machine and cool lighting. Thanks to me knowing some friends in school, I got to go in free. That save me of $4. It pays to have friends everywhere. Stayed at that place most of the time. Love the environment and the friends there.

Saw Elton and gave him a hug. Miss him so much. Playing badminton with him and chatting and even listening to music on his handphone. Then saw Martin and without a word, he feed me a big piece of this jelly that he claimed to be made by him which tasted so nice. I love you martin, for the very nice jelly you have made. Again it pays to have good friends around in school.

Went with Sharon to get weilun to the disco because the people will be coming around 845 to collect the things back. So we stayed in the room for a long time. Sharon forced weilun and I to dance. Shy weilun is too shy to dance and so am I. So we avoid her most of the time. Never knew that he was so shy. Even when a girl hold his hands he will be shy. It is so funny.

Anyway, after a long day's hard work it was time to go home. I was so waiting for this moment. I even forgot that I owe Sharon a photo together. Will make it up to you soon. When I returned home, I was so tired and sleepy. I ate a bread and took my medicine. I got drowsy and had to turn in. Received a sms from Sharon which made me so happy. But the effect of the drug takes in and I can't gather energy to reply. Sorry.

Well that is it for the day. The long day of hard work. Friends like those in school really make me glad I am in YJC. With them around, I never feel alone. How I wish they are from my church. Or that my church friend are half of what they are. Less of this emo entry. This is suppose to be a light-hearted entry.



Saturday, February 03, 2007

Survived another week of torment. Stressful to conclude. My back is in pain again, headache on rampage and I wonder what else is on its way. I can conclude that year 2 of JC life is no fun. Physical and emotional test I reckon and of course the test of what we have learned from this 2 or 3 years of intense studies.

I am glad that I manage to pull through this week. It is never easy to do it. It is a blessing for me to have made it thus far. Homework all the way and non stop lessons. Everyday is filled with so much assignments that I can hardly breath. Not to mention resting. I still have a lot of econs homework that I have to hand up. I don't think I can finish them. Too tired physically and mentally to continue this fight.

Till this day I am still asking myself why I choose to go JC. Studying is never my cup of tea. But the friends are alright. I have made many friends that I don't think I will make in any other places. Some of which who is true and some is just stupid. Low EQ not to say but only to think that they are way better than others and he is so right. I wish I can just kill him. This is what pollutes an environment that is so nice.

Very soon a new week is coming and I am totally drained. I do not know how I can pull through. I hope those around will tolerate my bad temper. I also hope that my friends can give me more encouragements and by my side to comfort me. I need you people so much. To make the picture complete, I wish she can be with me. But thats another story another time.


Determination to leave EFC: 60%
Determination to leave ministry: 80%