Sunday, April 29, 2007
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
zihao blogged at 4/29/2007 10:54:00 PM
Currently listening to some sentimental hits. Made me think about a lot of things and a lot of things just float into my mind. I let my imagination run wild and some weird thought just surfaced.
While on duty today in church, I think about some stuff. Who in the church can I really considered friends. It is true that I know quite a number of my church-mate and many of them knows me as well. But I think I can only call them acquaintances. They don't know the real me and they know nothing about me. All of them just know that I play badminton and my school is YJC. None of them know my past and certainly not my future.
Some setbacks in life made me wonder about a lot of things. I am a christian for those who do not know it yet. I know that there is a heaven and hell. But where will I land myself? I dare not say I will certainly end up in heaven. I did not place God first in many aspect of life. But is not that I did not try. Is just that I can't sustain.
I get so much disappointment serving God. Lost friendships, Physical draining, time forgone and many more. But I did not get equivalent returns. I know I will be bless in heaven, but it is a long way there. Why can't anyone see things from my point of view? I do the things not because I want to, but because I feel that there is a greater need of me there.
The idea of backsliding appears in my mind also. I know the suffering in hell, but at least I get to reminisce on the past happiness. If I enter into heaven, I will have no good memories to bring along. I guess even if I really do backslide, no 'friends' will ever notice. No point being missed by those who do not care. I strongly believe that talk is cheap.
Nothing last forever. Today we can be very close friends, but the next day you can just treat me like stranger. Without even a smile or a hi. Needless to say asking me out. At least my 'worldly' friends will appreciate my presence. They will appreciate me being there and doing things together. I think I will be so much happier being with them. Just a simple meal with them brings so much joy into my life.
Now it is decision time. Do I want to harbor this idea of leaving and to be so much happier with real friends around me? Or do I want to stay on and challenge this struggle with friendship?
When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, i will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
zihao blogged at 4/29/2007 03:57:00 PM
Friday, April 27, 2007
Had friendly today with Holy innocent secondary. Well it was I who contacted Glenn to ask if he want to have friendly with us. It was nice to have opponents to test out our strength.
Some hiccups here and there but it was solved. Now the problem is on me. It becomes a big thing when my back is the main concern of the PE department. I had an injury on my back and they pronounced me to be unfit for PE. But because I am doing badminton, they do not believe me. I just hope that every one just let me be. It is not as if I will put the blame on others.
Anyway, had fun today. Love meeting new opponents. Thanks Glenn for this friendly. I really enjoyed myself even though my back ache during the game. Really need to take care of myself more. Don't want to get injured before the competition. It is the last year and I hope everything goes well. Praying that God will help me through all this. Making everything work out in the end.
One thing that bothers me is that people are expecting too much of me. Luke called and ask me the reason for not going church. I really wish to. But I can't just leave because I want to go to church. It is not just about me alone. In fact there is people who feels that I should be there, therefore I feel more motivated to stay. Unlike being in church where I sometimes have this feeling that I do not know anyone there. I know is my faithlessness but I just can't help it. I want to give my best to God but I just can't find the motivation.
Sometimes I just feel that worldly friends care more about me. They make it an effort to constantly ask me out even though I do not really go most of the time. They care to know how I am doing and share their problems with me. I just feel so much more relaxing being with them. At least they keep me company when I needed someone most.
Enough of the emo-ness. Got to prepare to sleep. Tomorrow still got to go to school early in the morning for lesson. After that is CCA training. I really hope to take a break from all this and really enjoy a nice meal out with friends that I missed.
zihao blogged at 4/27/2007 11:52:00 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Went down to queensway to collect the team jersey today. But was thinking of one thing. Mrs George Caught me not doing PE. I don't get the reason. Why can't I play badminton even if I have permanent MC?
I really hurt my back and I can get the doctor to prove it. I choose to play badminton because I know I can determine the amount of work I do. I can do what I want anytime I want. Therefore I can take it physically. What I am afraid is that she will bar me from going for the competition. I don't want to give it all up just because of one stupid thing.
Anyway, while at queensway I did some window shopping. Saw quite a few pieces of clothing that is very attractive. I really want to buy them but I don't have enough money on me. My budget does not allow me to buy all the clothing I want. Then at that moment I thought of Luke. I guess he will also like the clothes I saw there. I really want to buy this jacket I saw at this Billabong shop. It is a new design and it looks cool on me. But guess I will have to wait a while before I can buy.
Just hope this two weeks everything will go smoothly. Don't want anything to pop up that will jeopardize the team. I am willing to accept anything alone after this period.
zihao blogged at 4/26/2007 09:10:00 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I think I am getting fitter. I can feel my biceps's muscles getting bigger. My stomach is looking better. With my abs being more define.
All I need now is a darker tan. Also to train up my stamina. My stamina is my downfall. I really need to build them up before I can go for my napfa. While training my stamina, I will continue to work on my body. To build up all my muscles. To create the wonderful V-shaped body.
What I am proud of now is my leg. I can say I got a nice pair of muscular legs. It is the strongest part of my body, I guess it is even stronger than many others. All credit goes to badminton.
Will draft out a working schedule to train up. Thank God Tiong bahru park is just nearby. I can use the free facilities to train. Going to look good with my new physique. At the same time, I will look better with my clothes. Actually it is all because of my vanity. But who can blame me? Everyone want to look good.
But amidst all this vanity, I just want to have a healthier body. To train up for napfa and to prepare for NS.
zihao blogged at 4/24/2007 10:17:00 PM
Monday, April 23, 2007
Today I decided to take the bus home instead of the train. Although the train is much comfortable and faster, but I decided to take the bus instead. I needed to use the time to chat with God.
On the journey, I questioned God about a few matters in my life. I asked him why he has this plan for me. Why do he put me through all this. I even asked him why he does all this to me. I questioned him all my doubts and put all my worries to him. I nearly cry on the journey but I didn't. I manage to keep all my emotions in. It was a solid hour of prayer and private time with him.
I felt a sense of relieve after pouring my heart out to him. It has been long since I had a chance to really talk to anyone. Guess God is one person we can talk to and he will always be there. The last time I really chat with God was a walk I had back home from town. It is really nice. To have someone who will listen to your blabber.
This week will be a week of badminton. Tournament coming next week and we need all the time we can get to practise. This will be the last time I will be seriously training for badminton. After which, I don't know when will I have this chance. I will be busy over the weekends and even weekdays. I am seriously lacking behind in my studies and I need to catch up. I want to aim for my Bs. Got to be realistic.
Anyway, this month 2 of my important friend will be celebrating their birthday. Really hope I can celebrate with them. But I don't think my schedule permits. But I will do my best to send my wishes. Or maybe we can do a belated celebration. Makan will be on me. Don't want to mention the name in case others get jealous. But lets just mention the date, 9 and 24.
zihao blogged at 4/23/2007 08:39:00 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2007
zihao blogged at 4/22/2007 08:53:00 PM
In church today, felt God slapping me on the face. Not literally but in his words. In the message today, I felt like being scolded by Him. I know I did wrong but it is not easy for me to do something about it.
The lesson learned is to forgive. To love my enemies and to forgive them, I am afraid I can't do so. I like this thing about forgiving yet not trusting. You can forgive someone but you need not trust that someone. Hatred is part of my life and it is what drive me on. It is somewhat in me to hate someone to the core and for life. I do not know how to forgive and forget. Even for friends whom have betrayed me and let me down, I can't forgive and forget.
Meng hui once told me to put things aside and prioritize but I just can't seem to do so. Not that I don't want but is that I don't know how. To me, I would put things I want to do first even though I know it is not right. There is just no motivation for me to do the right things now. What is the point of doing the right thing and yet not getting what you hope for? One question I wonder is that I am doing God's work but I am not getting what I want(friends).
Who are my true friends? You who is now reading this entry? I want to know who are my true friends. Whom will be there when I need them most. Be my comfort and support. Maybe love can give the same satisfaction or even more, but when love is over all of it will end. Is my friends those who ask me out for K ever so often? Or those that ask me out for badminton? Or is it those who ask me out because I just so happen to be there and it is only polite to ask?
If this are considered friends, then I hope I have none of them. I really need someone who cares. Why is it that I do not have a stable friendship that last? All of it is like a wind that blows past. It does not last. I do not know how many times more I can take it. But for the time being, I will choose to close myself up and avoid all this trouble. My heart will be cold toward friendships until I know how to handle them. All is but dust in this world. Man are but dust that last not. Always on the giving side and I find myself without any more to give, because no one give me anything and rejuvenates me.
Logic tells me I can rely on God but fact says that I can't. I have so many let down and I can't seem to carry on this walk. I know he has a plan for me but I am just too impatient. I do not want to find excuse but I just don't know how. My walk with Christ is just filled with so many obstacles that I find it difficult to continue. Many a times I find 'Extremsad' is just so accurate for me to use. I am just so emo and it is not just my opinion. My teacher and pastor both said before that I am too emotional in handling stuff. But it is just me. If I can change that, I will not be who I am.
Right now I just want to have friends who will accompany me to eat. Not to think about anything else but good food. Somehow food just cheer me up. When friends disappoint, food is there to bring me hope. I just need friends who will ask me out for good food and a nice time of fellowship. No matter how far the place is, I will be ever willing to go if you just ask me. Chomp chomp, pasir ris or where ever the place might be, I will be there. I will be even happier if you are willing to ton with me. To chat over the night and pour our heart's contempt.
What can be better than good food and good friends beside. Even better with the endless time to spare....
zihao blogged at 4/22/2007 07:58:00 PM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Briefly mention what happened this week. Basically is busy with badminton. Since competition is coming up soon, we are all busy with all the admin work.
But one thing good about this busy life is that it will keep me occupied and not thinking of the disappointments. YJ badminton will be my family for now and nothing will come between us. At least for this period of time. I really hope to get into the second round. I miss the excitement of round 2.
Miss church a few times and the thing is I do not miss it that much. I don't think any one will notice me missing. There are some I thought will miss me but I was wrong, I guess they have other frriends that is occupying their life. But whatever. I am doing what I like, and it is what that matters. I am sick of doing what people expect me to do. I rather do something I like and what makes me happy.
Anyway, I went to watch this preview of 'Men in white' with some church friends. It is not really a preview but more of a test run of the show. It is funny and all but I will not pay to watch it. It is not worth the money and it is somewhat a shadow of Royston Tan's 15. But anyway enjoy the makan session after that. I am a food lover without a doubt. Ask me out to eat and I will be there.
Basicallu this is what happened. Nothing out of the original. But I just want to say something random. I love makan and I love badminton. Nothing comes between us.
zihao blogged at 4/21/2007 11:58:00 PM
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Was sick since Wednesday night and it doesn't seem to get any better except for the temperature part. Maybe I should really take a day off to rest. Or else I will not be able to perform well in any thing.
Even for badminton I feel that I am not playing to my standards. I am way better than this. I can perform better than what I have been performing since I am sick. Tournament is coming and I do not want to drag every one down. I hope that we can all perform up to standard and do well.
Jiahao and zhuwen I hope you two will read this. Sorry for being harsh on you both. But I hope that you can support me in my decisions. I am doing all this for everyone. If we win, the glory will also be for you. People will give the credit to you if they know that we win. It is just for a few more weeks and I hope we can all put in our best and put our self- interest aside and do what is best for the team. I know you two have been training very hard and I do see the great improvements. But I know that there is more inside the both of you waiting to burst out.
I will do my best as well. In training up my doubles and whoever is playing the next double. I will not let you all down. I will make sure we take the doubles. Lets all work for this last game and bring glory to the school. But mostly for ourselves lar. It will look nice on our testimonial as well. I will teach you all everything I know to help everyone improve. With my new blue badminton shoes, I am sure I will do well.
zihao blogged at 4/15/2007 09:14:00 PM
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Can't remember what happened on Monday and Tuesday. Guess nothing much happened, since I can't remember any thing that happened.
On Wednesday, had Laksa with yinmei at yishun interchange there. After which I headed down to yishun sports hall for badminton. It was a long day of badminton. Played from 4pm to 9:45pm. I left early because it takes a long time for me to go home.
Received a call from yinmei and she told me she have diarrhea after the Laksa. When I reach home, I feel alright. Except for the intense headache which caused me to fall back on my bed and unable to do any work. Then it was my backache which made me feel like I so old. In general, my whole physical self is giving up.
Went home early on Thursday because I was too sick to continue my day. Saw a doctor and took some medicine. The doctor was so quick in judging that I think he did a lousy job. Without giving me a chance to explain my condition to him. Was so sick that I did nothing but sleep.
Friday was a lousy day for me. Was sick and yet still have to go to school. I was not concentrating in most of the lessons. Was dragging myself to all the lessons. Had to go to church after school and I really do not want to go. So sad, Luke abandon me to sit with other people. I had to sit at another place. He don't love me anymore. Well, got to get on with life so sad.
And today is hectic in itself. Woke up at 10am and had breakfast. Head down to Queensway shopping centre to get my racquet and zhixiang's for restring. Went to two of my favourite shop for restring but they have so many racquets to restring. So I went to this Indian man's shop for restring. He didn't do it at the shop and I had to go back and get it.
Went to SCGS for heart.sports from there. Before I go, went to buy this nice potato croquette. I think it is a must have when you go there. Or maybe it is just my love for potato that makes it so good. Had a good time of badminton there with Zhuwen, jiahao and raymond there as well. Then we saw this guy that we saw on Wednesday. Played badminton with him and we realise we have a long way to go.
Went down to Queensway to collect the racquets after the game. Got a lot of bargaining done there. With 2 grips a new shoe and zhuwen's bottle. Feel very bad but no choice. Too poor to pay for the high cost. Took a bus down to Redhill for dinner. Eat the fried rice there and went down to delta to take a look at the players there. I was quite disappointed as all the strong opponents are not there. Send the both of them to the bus stop and wait with them for the bus to come.
That was the summary of what happened this week. Just want to add that there will be more badminton coming up as the date for tournament is drawing near. Guess this will be the last year that I am treating badminton so seriously. I don't think I have the chance to do this kind of thing again.
zihao blogged at 4/14/2007 10:18:00 PM
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Today's Easter Sunday sermon spoke to me. Although it is not very related to the issue of the message, but it taught me something.
Well time passes no matter what we do. Whether good or bad, we can't stop time. So we got to make do with whatever we have. Be it good time or bad time, we still have to face it. Be it stress or no stress we have to live life. Time wait for no man and no man can stop time. We just got to take things with a pinch of salt. Be prepared for the worse.
We got to look to God and not man. Man fail but God doesn't. We are limited but He is unlimited. Time will tell. It is always achieve in His timing.
My back hurt badly today. When I was at vivocity with a friend, suddenly my back ache. It was so pain that tears fall from the corner of my eyes. I think I really got to stop doing sports. But I don't think I will stop before the inter school in May. While shopping, I had this great idea. To transform my laptop to a power machine. With wireless keyboard and mouse. A wireless controller and a external screen. Maybe also an additional speaker.
Don't know why this thought of eating keep coming up in my mind. It is the stress in me that is working up. When I am too occupied, I like to seek relieve by eating. Eating helps me to stop thinking about the matters on hand. That is where most of my money end up. Don't ask me where did all the food went to. I too have no idea.
Another thing I want to address. It is quite freaky or maybe I should say it is God at work? Starting yesterday night, I hear this gentle voice telling me to wear this brown shirt I have. To wear the same color with Luke. This morning I struggle whether I should wear it or not. I don't want people to say I gay with Luke. When in church, what shock me was that Luke was really wearing this casting crown brown shirt. How accurate is this gentle voice. I should have listen to it.
One more thing. I wonder how many people in church know me. I sure do not know a lot of them. Yesterday at SCGS, many of those in the hall know my name. I confess that I don't know them at all. It is so freaky to know that there is someone who know you but you don't know them. Am I that prominent in church? I hope not. Alex Lee chat with me as if we know each other well, but I think this is the first time I talk to him?
zihao blogged at 4/08/2007 10:13:00 PM
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Today got to sleep late. Sleep until I woke up naturally. Still feeling the aftermath of yesterday. No doubt it was fun but it took a lot out of us. Even Raymond agreed that it was fun.
Went down to yishun for the shuttle bus to scgs. Saw Dylon and chatted with him for a while. This new batch of J1 is really insane. No life and hardcore muggers. Think they will raise the A level results the next year. If they don't, I got nothing else to say.
Played badminton at scgs and it was a bit boring. Not much of a challenge unlike what I expected. All the good players are not there this time round. Wonder if they are playing soccer or what.
Melvin is celebrating his birthday tonight. Not that I don't want to go down but is just that I am still at scgs. Went I reach home I was too tired to go down. Anyway, there is more than enough people there and I will not make any difference. You got more than enough friends to be there. Moreover, I do not have the mood to do any celebrations. I just want more rest for myself. Call it selfish if you want.
I got tons of unfinish work waiting for me to touch but I really have no mood for them. I am casting them aside and wait till I have the time then I will consider doing.
zihao blogged at 4/07/2007 09:55:00 PM
Friday, April 06, 2007
Went to Church early in the morning for Good Friday service, His sacrifice. Chinese service was short and it is a good thing. So I got time to rest and eat. Then English service was a drag. It lasted quite long and I was lost in the message.
After that, went to catch the shuttle bus back to central. Rush to the bus stop to catch the bus down to Tampines. Really wanted to go out today but I promised them already, so can't break my words. Heard that Linton and friends are going to Minds cafe to play game. Don't know why the mentioning of the place just makes me sick. I have this resentment against this place. The sad thing is nobody asked me out. Only my unchurch friends is there for me.
I am slowly growing used to this. Mixing with new groups of friends, knowing more people. well in a way it will benefit my future as I will have a greater network of friends. I have friends from all walks of life. Friends who went to boys home, girls home and even those tattoo freaks to bosses and police officers. The irony is that the more friends you have the less friendship you have. This idea of going to a new church resurface in my mind. Wonder if it is God's idea for me to go? I am certain I will be much happier if I leave. But I don't know if it is the right decision to make.
Anyway, after the 4 hours of badminton we were all tired and hungry. So we decided to go chomp chomp to eat. The badminton session was good. Got to play with this TPJC double who was not that good after all. It won't be much of a challenge if we get to play with them during the inter-jc.
Took a bus down to serangoon. The whole journey was so long that Zhuwen and me got sick and feel like vomiting. But thank God we reach the place safe and sound. But when we got there, it was so packed that we can't get a sit. Don't remember who suggested that we packed the food and bring it to another place to eat. Met this new friend Glenn was was equally funny as me. Joking and all. Best part is that he plays badminton. Can challenge next time.
Went home around 11 and caught a bus down. Was suppose to go kovan but guess we took it from the wrong side. Went to AMK and discovered that we took the wrong bus. We got down and took the train instead. Took the same side as Glenn and we chatted all the way. Glad we have a lot to chat. It is not easy to find someone who only like to watch chinese shows nowadays.
Reached home around 12am. Was already very tired and had a lot of things to do. Reluctant to do them but don't really have a choice. Tomorrow will not be a rest day for me as well. Got things to do. But the good part I guess is that nobody will ask me out. So I can go home and do my assignments.
zihao blogged at 4/06/2007 11:36:00 PM
Thursday, April 05, 2007
This week is definitely not my week. Again. Don't know what is wrong but I think I am at my wit end. It has been a roller-coaster ride for me.
As usual, Geography is giving so much work that I am not able to finish. Skimpy work as usual. Frankly speaking, where do we find the time to do all this work? Our life doesn't revolve around Geography alone. We still have so many other subjects to do and study. We will just be doing all this work blindly without any in-depth understanding.
I hasn't been at my peak for all the lessons. I fall asleep during math on Monday. Almost fall asleep for all the other lectures. Most terrible thing is that I don't think I have been absorbing anything this week. Got to see my A level's exam schedule. One thing good is that everything end early. But it also meant that I have to be well prepared because I do not have any time in between papers to really study. The bad thing is that I have a paper on the 14, my birthday. So sad. Don't get to celebrate my birthday on the actual day. I end my papers on the 15 so I guess I can only celebrate then. Who is willing to celebrate my birthday with me?
Another thing that is bothering me is my emotions. Feeling very weird. Try to fake the smiles and jokes in front of my schoolmates. It is taking a lot out of me to do all this. I hope that I can be myself and not fake someone whom I am not. Even if it means to outcast myself. A lot of thoughts just keep coming to my mind and I am not really managing them well. I really need a break or else I will breakdown any moment. I think the stress the main agent to my depressed feelings.
A question kept appearing on my mind this month. " who is my real friends?" How long will friendship last? If you are reading this, I guess you should be a friend of mine. So how long do you think our friendship will last? Who can I turn to when I needed a friend most? Are you really there when I needed a friend most? I wondered for a moment and I can't seem to find the answer. You have friends you preferred to be with and I have mine. What kind of friendship do we have? I am really confuse. I guess I can only confide to my worldly friends who are always there to give me comfort. At least you guys are always there when I needed a friend.
Badminton inter -JC is coming and it is that time of the year again. Training, training and still training. Seriously, I do not want to lose. I hope to get into the second round although it is not that easy. All this will be taking up most of my time both personal and studies. Everything is just so fast. Everything that happen, happened so fast that I don't have the time to stop and think about it.
I am fantasizing on going to this isolated beach and stay there for a long time. When time is not a factor and it appears to stopped at that moment. To be there to look at the sky and just reflect on my life. It is just so cool to be able to do so. A place without worries, troubles, problems and even hurts. I wish... How I wish...
zihao blogged at 4/05/2007 07:58:00 PM
Monday, April 02, 2007
Looking forward to this long weekend.Want to go out for some relaxation? Lets go out for some makan and drinks and watch time pass.Just a few of us or maybe two of us and we will find some cool place and chill.Chatting about some past things that happened and laugh at our past.
zihao blogged at 4/02/2007 09:08:00 PM