Thursday, May 31, 2007

Went to school as usual yesterday. Went for Chinese lesson but a lot of people never come. Worse of all, had to sit for a test that I was not prepared at all. But never mind, everything is over.

Studied in school but there was too much distractions and I wasn't able to concentrate at all. So went to eat lunch instead. Then went back to try to study again, but to no avail. Nothing goes in and I ended up chatting with others.

After that went to meet Sharon at AMK hub. Tour the place a while and waited for Sophie to come. Actually, AMK hub got nothing special. So forget about it.

Went down to bugis for some window shopping. Then met a new friend Seow didi. He reminds me of Justin. In every aspect they resemble each other. The weird chinese accent, the lameness, the way they talk to girls, the way they walk and to even the facial expression. Freaky, but real.

Had a nice chat over cakes and coffees at TCC bugis. I like the ambiance of TCC. So I don't mind going there. I guess I can clique well with people like him. Details is in the conversation last night with Sharon. I guess I can really mix with those who have negative remarks tagged on them. Not to offend anyone but like Yan chao, Justin and now Seow didi. But hey, we are still friends. I never share the same view as them. Justin will know, I am very friendly.

But that's not the point. The point is I can really mix with new friends. Well maybe only those that does things that I enjoy doing myself. Badminton, pool, makan, etc. But it can also be the attitude thing that is present in all of us.

Really had a lot of fun. Never had such fun for a long long time. Or maybe not that long. But the feeling seems so. At least for the night I don't need to emo. Lets go out again someday. We can have fun. I look better when I am not in school attire and I will better fit in with you all.



Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Have this desire to go for a one day photo taking session. Going around Singapore and taking some nice photos.

Really wish to take a nice photo of the sun rise and sun set. My gut feeling tells me that I can catch the shot at Sentosa. Maybe I should try it during this two weeks?

But more importantly, I want to have a collage of photos of my friends and I. With all the wonderful smiles that contains all the good memories. And since my old computer is gone. The many photos I have inside is all gone. So now I hope that my friends who are reading this and so happen to have a copy of any photographs that is related to me, please send me a copy.

So now onwards, I will be holding up my camera and start snapping. For those friends that have ever had a meal together with me you are by default required to be part of this collage. Especially for those who have had a one-to-one meal with me. That includes those who are close to my heart and you will know who you are by the mark you left behind in my heart.

One more important thing is the upcoming IT fair at Suntec this coming week. Anyone interested to go?



Monday, May 28, 2007

My mom ask me where does all the food I ate went to.

Well, all that I have eaten have been channeled to the hole in my heart.

To mend the brokeness that is caused by a broken friendship.

I really want to mend this crack...

这个假期的到来，带来了很多问号，不安与伤感。
短短的几十天，但却有几百样事情想做。
最重要的是不造成更多的遗憾。
如果明天是世界末日也不会后悔。

在我想要做的一堆事情中，最想要的是和一个好朋友吃一餐饭。
回想当时，我们承诺了一起去吃美食。
我愿做你的向导，但不知你会不会给我这个机会。

很想问你这个问题，但我知道答案不会使我想要的。
但我却还是要问，不然我无法心安。
有了这答案，不管是否动听，我也心安。
'在你心里，我在你的纵朋友中，排行第几?'

多情自古空悲戚。

This is what others see me as:

• Pessimist( I guess to a great extent I am one)
• Friendly( maybe only to those I want to be friend with)
• 'Dao'( It made me look cool)
• Hardworking( can't help, I am not born smart)
• Rich( not at all, I just know how to manage my money)
• Sporty( well, I only like badminton and I hate all the physical trainings)
• Stressed up( now more than ever)
• Carefree( not really, I tend to dwell into certain issues)
• Stubborn( nothing to say)
• flirt( tend to hear less of it this year compared to the previous year)
• Know my food well( what else can I say, I am a Singaporean)
• spiritual( I don't think I am, just following what is in the bible)
• down to earth( I only go for things I can get)

This are some of how people see me as. But my close friends will know what I am not. I guess I can really cover up myself well. Actually, I am one person who will do anything for my friends. There is nothing better than to make someone else happy.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Many a times we blame God for what we do not see.

I thought I am on the road to recovery, but I guess I am not. With every care and concern I received, I get even more heartache.

Looking through some friendster profile, I realised some facts. I started to get emotional again and this time it is not what I want. I tried to avoid but the more I tried, the closer it gets.

Guess the question now is still the same as it was. To stay or to go? Call me weak or whatever but I just can't face this problem myself. It is getting into me and affecting my studies. Although Sophie and Sharon kept me accompanied this week but I clearly know that they can't be there always.

This is a great decision to make. I don't know if I will make the right one. God, please teach me what to do. I have already draw out from the limelight. From ministry, from participation and from anything that needs my commitment. Taking a break off all this things to really think through. The higher you are, the greater the fall is.

Realise one thing contradicting. I know quite a lot of people in church, but I am close to none. It is easy to say that we must look unto God and not man. But for a teenager, how can we not rely on friends? Is it so difficult to find close confide? I am just bad at expressing myself and it takes a long time for me to convey my thoughts. When the world continues to turn, I am still stuck at this very spot. Waiting for someone to hold my hand and to move on.

Sometimes it is just so delusional to what I should do. I am too weak to force my way through the thunderstorm to get to the calm horizon but I don't want to be at the receiving end waiting for what is to come.

I don't know why I am always bounded by friendships. I can't get out of it. But sometimes I don't want to get out of it. Is it because we have too little time spend that you misunderstood me? Or is it that our path should never cross?

Really trying to put all these aside now. I want to get on with life. Or maybe this is part of life?



Saturday, May 26, 2007

Ever wondered is it the heart that control the mind or is it the mind that control the heart?

Is your heart telling your mind to think of someone or is you mind telling your heart to feel for that someone?

Just thought of this question while emo-ing at home. Please feel free to air your views.

This week was a smooth week for me. Not talking about studies of course. I mean other things except studies. Anyway, not going to touch on that now.

First, the setting up of EMO CLUB. Exclusive member: Sophie, Sharon and me. Invitations to those who want to join.

Secondly, had some nice makan outing this week. Really good company as well.

Thirdly, GSS is on. Going to get myself some clothes and things. But hope that when I buy, I will be buying two. Not for her and don't guess. Is for this friend who have the same bag as me. But not thinking much on that. Girls, lets go for some shopping.

Fourthly, it is the holidays. More free time or so I hope. Going to think of the future and some things to do.

Fifthly, Found this nice song that is so nice. It is call tattoo of love(in chinese). It is a emo song that is so nice.

Think this is basically what happened in this week. But I am still not feeling any happier. Still thinking of this friend whom I tried to give up. Don't think I can but it won't be the same anymore. Didn't know he meant so much to me.

But now, I can rely on my EMO CLUB for the support I need. Lets plan more makan outing and maybe to sentosa for the sun. Maybe zoo? or botanic park. But first, anyone want to watch POC3?



Monday, May 21, 2007

Found this really meaningful picture online. Just want to share it with no hidden agendas.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Went to church this morning. Attended chinese service myself. It has been a long time since I attended chinese service.

After that, went for a nice breakfast with sharon and sophie. We meet at Kahtib and we walked around to see what good food is there to eat. Then we decided to go Yishun there and eat dim sum. It was a simple meal plus a lot of laughter. So I reckon that it was a nice meal.

After that, went to the arcade for some games. Played some stupid games there and just chatted about some random topics. It was a nice time and it helped me to relax. I had a nice time and a good start to my break.

Thanks a lot for the day.



Saturday, May 19, 2007

Right now I don't know how many is reading my blog. But if you are a true friend, please state down your name.

I have made a decision today. I am officially stepping down from my ministry. It is like a load off my mind. I am as free as a bird. Without bearing the name of a leader and the duties of one. I hate being controlled by titles and all. Being in a difficult spot and being misunderstood. I nearing want to hit someone yesterday. He said that I gave him attitude, but did he use his brains to think through? I have to be fair to all. Just because he have choir doesn't mean I have to let him play first. He choose to walk away before I can explain things out and yet want to say that I gave him attitude. Well I should have disqualified the whole team.

True, I may have an attitude but I am always fair in my judgement. I am never bias towards anyone. If people can't accept the fact, then please leave. I am tired of explaining myself.

But that is not important now. The main thing is that I am exhausted. Things that I am going through and I can't seem to find the right person to talk to. I don't know if I would backslide, but chances are that I will take a break. Not saying that God is not good. In fact he is still very good to me. He still listens to me and send people to talk to me about my decision.

The problem is with me. More than often I am too stubborn. Not willing to let go and think too much into a matter that is very simple. Even my teachers say that, so I guess this is my character. I am not blaming others. I believe that if this is God's decision, he must have his point. I am down right now, but when I am able to get up, I will be stronger than ever. Or at least I hope.

Don't remember who said this to me but it really made sense. True friends are forged when you are going through your darkest times. It is when he/she is there to comfort you and encourage you all the way. I am really facing the dilemma but I guess all of it is solved.

Being in a ministry is what I wanted. Maybe even in the G12 or even Cell Group leader. But now, I guess I am still not up to it. Right now, I just hope to be a nobody and attend church and pray that God can heal my physically, mentally and emotionally. I gave up one so that I can still convince myself to step into church. But I guess the problem now is how do I tell people that I have stepped down. I can't be committed to any ministry now. I am just too weak spiritually. It is like after the Spartans fought a tough war with their enemy. This round, the enemy found my weak spot and attack it head on. I am too vulnerable to fight back. I have no choice but to put down my weapons and beat retreat.

I don't need pity now. I just hope for some support. Friends or no friends I don't mind. At least I know I have friends somewhere else that appreciate me. This will be what drive me on.

"Loving someone is like a tattoo. It will not hurt if it is not deep." My version is, "A friend is also like having a tattoo. It will not hurt if it is not deep."



Monday, May 14, 2007

In a roller coaster ride.

Thanks to sophie and sharon for cheering me up. Don't know what will I do without you two. But continue to guess who is this special someone. She is someone obvious.

There is still one more person that is holding me back on my decision. He is the one who is with me when I first step in church. For those who know me since I first step into church, you will know who he is. He is the first real friend I consider I have.

I wanted a long break. It is a single thought that give birth to many avenues.

I can't believe my tears fall because of such an incident. Guess this is 爱的深，伤的更深.

I do not know what to do. Facing so many struggle before me and yet have to stand strong. My friends whom I can seek are all in NS. Times like this that I desire to get in asap.

How I wish she was mine now. At least I know she can cheer me up.

Just for the record, I am not doing all this because of the attention. Have I not have enough? In my work and all that I have done. Am I not popular enough? To be in the limelight is the last thing I want. I prefer people not know me at all.

Why is it so difficult to find someone who will understand you and stand behind you? I can say that not many people know what I am going through. In church I guess there is only 1. Other people, I guess they are not aware at all. I don't mind sharing but I don't want the pity.

Giving up those things that brings sorrow...



Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I have been thinking about this issue for a long time. I don't mind people scolding me for what I do. I can only say they don't know me. How well do you know me? I learn from spiritual leaders who clearly put God's words before them. I am not saying they are always right but they really made sense.

It is not that I think big of myself or self-righteous that you might call it. I do want to leave and take a break. I stayed because someone told me to stay. I wanted to quite ministry but someone discourage me to. It is not ego that is at work. It is not about myself. It is not self-fish or wishful thinking on my part. Is there a need to gang up with others to do all this? Is our friendship not strong enough for you to come and talk to me?

Have you ever stop this childish actions and think about what you have done? I am not denying that I am also in the wrong, but do your actions justify the cause? I have seen many of this and I am still a leader by appointment. Have I no right to do any actions? Is so then the right action is to inform the pastors. If as a leader, I can't do anything, then I guess this leadership post is just for act. What discipline can we correct by just standing there doing nothing?

I am not trying to push the blame but the purpose of a blog is to express oneself. Do you know what I am going through now? Do you know my struggle? Do you know what problems am I facing? Do you know how much I yearn to leave ministry? Do you know how much I desire to backslide? Just what is wrong for my to vent my frustration on my blog? I do not want to go around talking to people about all this things. Have I mentioned names? Have I bad-mouth anyone? So why can't I let out steam on my own blog?

If not for the resistance, I would have left the church long ago. I am not worried of going to hell because I know I did enjoy good memories which will bring me through sufferings. I do treasure my friends in church, but where do they put me? Do you only consider those who will go out and play with you and does not correct you to be your friend? Tell me what have I done insufficient as a friend? Come to me if you have a problem with me and don't talk behind my back.

I am not trying to compare to Jesus because I am not worthy. But Jesus did go through insults and misunderstanding when he tried to teach the jews. People don't try to understand his stand and just disagree with him just because He don't go with what they are doing.

I hope that pastor will take away my ministry and let me leave church. If you all think I am wrong then let it be. No point for my to defend my stand. But I hope that you all will see what you all are doing in an unbias point of view. No point dwelling in a friendship that is not mine to stay. I can still have worldly friends who will not cause me to have so much heartache. If you all misunderstand me, so be it. But ask yourselves, do you know what I am doing? Not to be righteous or anything but to make sure you all are doing the right things.

I am weary of this walk with God. With all the misunderstandings and problems. I need a long break. I don't mind being in hell and suffer eternal torment. I do have many flaws and weaknesses. But whenever I do things for God, I do it wholeheartedly. When I don't, I don't do with an unwilling heart. I thought you would understand me but if you don't, I guess you still don't know me yet. As friends, we won't last if we don't know each other well.

I will be bluffing if I say I don't miss you. You can ask people around how much I treasure you. I am not saying I will not support you but I just want you to make sure that you are not doing anything folly. Have I not supported you in anything? You are the one that says you want to hear the truth. The truth is painful and I know. You think I have never receive any of such? I used to have leaders telling me what to do and my behaviour. They pin-point all my faults and tell me off. If you say they do all this to show their love to me, have I shown less love to you than any of them?

Have I corrected any of you based on my own personal gains? Have I done the wrong things by telling you off? You can say that you are more spiritual than me, I won't deny. But doing what is right, I guess I am doing much better. I do know what you are feeling and going through. Am I so cold that I don't know what is love? If you two are both in love, I will not say anything. But consider if your intention is pure. Have I shown anything less than a friend?



Tuesday, May 08, 2007

who am I kidding? I can't get over you. I do not want to give up this friendship. I hope to keep you around for company and for a listening ear.

I am really sorry for what I have done. Why can't you forgive me? Is is certain that you want to end this friendship? Is there nothing that we have gone through that will help you to reconsider this friendship? I don't want it to end so early.

I am sorry I took it for granted. I hope that we can start this all over again. Whatever it is please don't ignore me. I need an answer. I hate this kind of waiting and my imagination will get the better of me.



Monday, May 07, 2007

Recently I have been very moody. So many things happened and I am not sure what should my reactions be. I just get sick of every thing and I am just unhappy with almost everything. Maybe it is just that my expectations of things are too high and sometimes unrealistic for others to follow.

Don't get this relationship thing. Is it totally out of control of man? If we do not seek for it, why would we get it? A lot of people say that guys go to church just because they want to find some pretty girls there. But is it true? I don't dare to say no. Is God really there in your life? If he did not give to you why want to persist? Don't you learn your lesson? Are guys really that desperate? What is the point of getting a girl friend at this age? To show off or to find company? If so let me ask you a question, is your vertical relation right before you seek a horizontal one? If not, you are getting a girlfriend at the expense of God's love. Why is it that your whole clique has such messed up life? What is the teaching of the group? Where did you all put God in your life? Why does this sort of things only appear in your group. Hate me for whatever it cost but I shall do the right thing. Even at the expense of friendship. If our friendship cannot endure this test, no point for us to continue with this friendship at all.

Friends in church has been such a disappointment. I once have high hope for you all but it is nothing more than a let down now. I think is the company. I do not want to judge but you be your own. Take some time to consider your actions and all that I have said to you. No point just complaining and doing nothing on your part. For example complaining that the group is always going back late. But you yourself choose to go out with them. If you know they will be late, why go? Is there no others in the church for you to go out with? It is just a matter of digging your own grave. No point to sin and repent and repeat the process again and again. If you only come to church for friends, I suggest all of you don't come at all. No point being a white wash tomb. Being holy only at the outside. I am not saying I am all holy and right but I dare to make my own decision. Please search your own heart when you do things. Don't hide a motive behind every action. Why do you stick with the group anyway? Because they support your wrong decisions? They encourage you to do the wrong things and sin with you? If coming to church is all about girls like what you have been doing, I am sorry but you have to change. Believe me as viewer of you comedy directed by the devil. Going home late on Friday and Sunday is a decision you made on your own. Another issue to address is going over to an opposite sex's house. Why is it only your clique that is always doing this? To go over alone and do things with a motive. I am sick of knowing all this that happened.

Is this church going the wrong way? Or is there something wrong with the teaching? I don't think I can stay on any longer with this kind of teaching. Before it, I am taught a set of values, but now I am being taught another. It just contradicts. My friend you will regret all this in the future. For me, I think I have seem enough of all this. I need a break from it. I do not want to be involve in all this love problem anymore. I want to be at a place where all my christian friends around me can be a role model to me. To help me grow stronger and not to learn the wrong things and compromise. My friend spoke to me yesterday and encourage me to leave. Maybe it is time I leave the church and decide where else to head on. Maybe even to take a break from this so-called Christian lifestyle where no one follows anymore.

The modern christians just have so little respect for God. Why do everyone think that by following their heart, God will bless them? Seeking something on your own accord will never last. Even if you do get it, it will not last to the end. Never do things that is not permitted by God. It is painful but true.

I am not trying to stop you people from doing what you are doing. I just want to let out all that is bothering me. If you really do treat me as a friend, you will listen to my words. I don't mind if you don't. Anyway I did my part my warning of the sin. To God, I have done my part. Hate me for all I care. I only want to please God not man. If what I do is wrong, may God hit me with a bolt of lightning.



Thursday, May 03, 2007

Once is too many to resist.

Saw Her more than once today and Her smile just mesmerize me.

Waving at me from a distance just makes Her so cute.

Her sunshine smile is that captivating.

I am falling for Her even though I told myself to get over Her.

But she's still single, or so I guess.





Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Yesterday had a great day. Actually I didn't want to go at first but due to a lot of persuasion, I decided to go. Don't want to affect the others with my personal reasons.

Woke up around 11 and I was still struggling whether to go for the badminton training or not. Physically, I need a rest. My back is giving up on me. Emotionally, I am not stable to talk to anyone. Mentally, I am too tired to go out. But all this are my personal reasons, I do not want to affect others so I drag myself to go.

Our senior Kewei(don't know if I spell it right) was down also. He trained with us for a while. One shocking thing is that his boss is also my secondary school coach. It is really a small world. Firstly it is my partner who trained with him last time and now, it is my senior who worked for him. I wonder how many more people I know is linked to him? We played from 1-6pm. After that we decided to have dinner together.

Discuss for a while and I suggested steamboat and everyone was in favour of it so we go ahead. We went to bugis and eat "tian tian" steamboat. It was expensive without a doubt, but we had fun there. So long since I last had so much fun. Luke and Meng hui if you are reading this, I hope you get the hint. Stayed there till about 11 plus. It is a nice time to bond as a team. Had a lot to eat and a lot to chat about. It is always fun to have good food and good company at the same time.

Went our own ways and headed home. It was about 11:30PM. I wasn't worried about the time cause it is at bugis. It takes 10 minutes to get home. I sent jh, sud, raymond, hl to their busstop and then I went to mine. The one that I have more buses to take.

It has really been a long time since I had so much fun. Things that bothered me didn't seem to appear. I wonder when will I have the chance to do this again. Maybe with the same crowd, or with another who is equally fun or even greater. I think I have one coming on the 12 if nothing goes wrong. But I hope that someone will ask me out on May 9.