Friday, June 08, 2007

Went to church this two days and received 2 message that raised many questions in my mind. It wasn't my intention to go actually but guess it is a higher order than persuaded me to go.

My decision to step down from ministry might be sound for me, but it is not a justifiable act. It is a decision I have to make to allow me to want to come to church. The two night taught me that giving up is a coward act and I need to do the right thing by persevering.

But what I can't do is just that. I lack the courage to take up this challenge. To give up even more for the right cause. God will be my witness that my actions is ordain my his words and it does not come from man but only by the word of God. If I have ever done any thing that is from my own desire, may God's hand be over me. But if any one misjudged me, may God's justice be done.

Feel like backsliding, but I can't seem to stay away. I have failed God and let Him down again and again, and I don't know why he still don't let me go. I don't deserve all these that He is doing for me. I just feel very more pressured. That I am not doing what is expected of me. There is just so much of me to give up that I am not sure if I am able to do so.

After these few weeks, I have realised that I have became something I hate most. I have been spending excessively and on things that is unwanted. I have been staying out late a few nights of this few weeks and spending quite a boom on eating. I actually stayed out till about 2 plus 3 am before going home. It means that I am totally emo-ed up to be eating so much. All these that I am doing is something I hate and I am becoming a white wash tomb. I am fighting a losing battle now.

What I need now is my friends being there for me all the time. To cheer me up when I am down and to show concern when I am stressed up over school work. Most of all to enjoy a good meal with me. I can't afford to suffer anymore setbacks from friends anymore. I might not be able to take it emotionally.

Now I am trying to get back on track. To continue with a purified lifestyle. To know that whatever I am doing is supported by Him and to know that I am pleasing God and not man. Not to be affected by what man say and do. Someday somehow God will reward me with what I truly desire. A true friend who understands me and stand behind me in whatever I do.