Sunday, July 29, 2007

My stress level is starting to rise. Looking at the calender and find myself short of time to study. What is my status? Messed up.

About 2 weeks from now I will be having my prelims. But how about my revision going? Having really started I would say. Busy with all the assignments and stuff that I haven even started studying. And the stress of all this is building up. Really need to set aside more time to study and stay away from all distractions. I need to book all the consultation time with all my tutors and hope that it doesn't clash with anything.

There is also so many things to attend to. G12 on Wednesdays, HOF on Fridays, Saturday and Sundays as well is packed with events. I am still pending on whether to go for the Gymnastic performance next Friday at CJC. I don't know whether I should go for all this. But I also don't want to miss out on the opportunity to meet up with my old friends. I really miss all my friends that I have not contacted for a while.

I really need to settle down and start flipping through my ten year series. Asking myself if I know everything in and out. I am not aiming for something unattainable but something I desire. I don't want to disappoint anyone who have had high hope in me. I need to do well and there is no option for failure.

What I really need is God to be with me all the way and His blessings upon me. I also need my friends who will support me all the way and give me a call once in a while to chat or to ask me out. I don't mind a simple meal or even a drink. Had both of that with my best friend the other night and enjoyed it, although it was tiring. Also maybe some love here and there will also help a lot. Once in a while maybe some sports to relieve the stress.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he shall direct your paths.



Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Ever heard of the story of a seed? It is just a small and insignificant dot on our hand. If we hold on to it and do nothing with it, it will just be dormant. But if we release it, something will become of that tiny seed.

Be it the seed of an apple, orange, grape or even that of lemon. If we do nothing with it, it will still be as it is. It does not serve any purpose at all if do not release it to the earth. But if we let it sprout, we can expect the unexpected. We might not be able to identify the seed but we surely can identify the fruit it bear. The same goes for our character. For example our anger problem, if we let it be dormant, it will be as it is. But if we feed it fertilizers and nutrients, it will flourish into something unimaginable.

The same applies to any other matter. A seed will always be a seed if we do nothing about it. A broken friendship will always be broken if nobody does anything about it. A setback will always be a setback if we do not do anything to it.

We must always be active in planting the seed and not let it rot in its state of dormant. In letting it grow, we will reap a harvest and bare the fruits that we can either destroy or keep. We can then make a better judgement than to guess what will become of that seed. We will never know if we do not do anything. Whether it will bare delicious sweet apples or sour orange depends on not the seed but whether is the seed in the ground. Even if we know the seed is that of sweet apples yet we do not plant it in the ground, it will be nothing but a seed still.

God plant his seed in us awaiting it to grow into something great. In us He see a garden of strong trees. But in our own strength, we are still that weak seed needing support. With God's hand, we can grow into that huge tree in His garden so that birds and other creatures can come to us and make us their refuge. Man plant the seed but it is God who can make it grow. Our duty as God's watchmen is to do his work and plant the seeds for Him.

Therefore, may we do our utmost in praising God and doing our duty. In planting the seeds of Christ in everyone's heart. Spreading the Gospel to the end of the world. We cannot refuse the truth that end is coming. We should be ready for His coming and prepare the way for Him.



Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Thursday, July 19, 2007

An answer to many out there who think that I am in a relationship.




Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.



Monday, July 16, 2007

Lord my Father in heaven, hear my prayer in my weaken state.

Thank You for not giving up on me and continuously blessing my life. Thank You for being there for me and send people around me to help me and comfort me in my troubled times. Thank You for the ministry that You gave me and trained me to do Your work. Thank You for the wondrous work You've done in my life. Thank You for blessing me with a brother like Meng hui who has been there for me all this while.

God I pray that You will help me through this tough walk. This fight that I am going through is nonetheless a battle for survivor. This time of revision that all those in YJC that calls upon Your name as Father in Heaven is going through. It is really a difficult time but we have Faith that You will bring us through it. You will bless us with the strength to hang on. Not just in our studies but also in doing what You have commanded. Help us to be able to absorb every ounce of information that we come across. That we will have the extra mental capacity to pull through this period.

I pray specifically for Thaddeus, Aik hong, Xuan hong, Marilyn, jia hao, zhu wen, Anqi, yi ping, jonathan, ghit hong, Justin, Joseph and everyone that I have missed out. God, that You will be with those that call You Abba Father. You will guide everyone in this time and speak with us telling us what to do. Help us to be in the light of Your glory all the time.

God that You will not let any setback befall upon us. God that You will help us to be strong physically as well so that we can pull through this draining challenge. Lord, that You will give us extraordinary strength and stamina to do this. That we can also stick together in prayer to support each other through this time. That we can also support each other in our every actions.

Lord, lastly I want to pray for those around me. I want to pray that they can understand my situation and not give me pressure. That they will come to know my stand and be my support. I want to pray especially for Meng hui, that God you will bless him multi-fold. God that You will also bless the friendship we share. Let it not end but grow to even greater heights.

In God's name
I ask of these.

Labels: Prayer to God

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Read through Jonah today. Had this puzzling question to ask. Is Jonah right to blame God? Is he right to avoid his calling? Who can he blame? Like in 7th heaven today, Lucy was trying to blame someone for what happened.

The more we blame,the more troubled we become. There is just too many that we can blame. From the sky to the weather, and to anyone possible. Many a times our first reaction is to blame others for what happen. We forgot our initial duty bestowed upon us. We turn on our creator and start living in our own misery. We failed to see the bigger picture and the root of the problem.

Jonah turned on God's comment and flee from Him. He was swallowed by the big fish and in his ending, he send out his prayer to God. Even in his down time he still remember what God did for him. He do not harbour any grudge against Him and still giving thanks for the situation he is in. God saw his heart and release him from the stomach of the fish. The main point is that in Jonah's anger, he pushed the blame to God whom has done nothing to cause his misery. Is God not just and right? Is he not right in his judgement?

It is because we have not done our own part. We failed to see the bigger picture. Every action has a purpose whether we are clear of it or not. Sometimes it is just nobody's fault. Some things happened for a reason. It is just part of a process. We just get too angry to see everything before we come to a conclusion. Maybe when things happen, everyone involve should sit down and clear things off before coming to a conclusion. Or that we should rely on our faith and trust and go with the flow. Sometimes we are angry because we do not know, not because we know.

Lucy in 7th heaven did an amazing thing that I think none of us will every do. To cut the story short, in the congregation she throw out the blame for her own misery to her family members. As a minister, she should know fully to trust God, but instead she trust her own situation. But she still have the faith and trust of her family and friends that she did not went into despair. In the end, thanks to her family, she realised that no one is to blame. Everything have a course to follow. Misunderstanding comes in when there is lack of communication.

Be it ending a relation, failing an exam, losing a friend or even family problems. Sometimes we just can't blame anyone for what happened. No point dwelling into the past but work for the future. Things just happen for a reason beyond human comprehension and we just got to have faith and trust that it is for the better. More than often, what we need is someone who care and trust you will everything to be there for you and to be your arm extended.



Saturday, July 14, 2007

Didn't really have time to blog this week. Had a lot to do and school is very busy. Everything is coming down on me and I am struggling to stay alive.

School till 6 plus everyday with long hours of studies. After that, had to stay in school for some light revision. Also had to do all the homework that is piling up. Didn't really want to do them, but no choice. Had to long at their long term benefit. Quite sick of it, but still got to hang on to this last lap. Have to be a good boy and do will in my studies so that I won't regret after it.

After all this, I still want to eat my buffet. The desire for food has never stop. It is my way of destress and takes me away from the problem at hand. I hope to gain some weight from it as well. I need more meat to build up my body. Later someone complain that my abs very soft. It is not my fault that they are not hard. I did do my sit-ups and push up every night.

I bought myself a new toy today. A mosquito like helicopter. I want to buy something like that for a long time, but just can't find anything I like. This seems small and have a longer flying time. I love playing with this kind of mechanic toys.

My friends who are reading this. Next Saturday if you are free, please come to YJC for this drama thingy. I have yet again outdo myself by engaging in a role different from who I am. I also sacrifice a lot for it. Tell me early to get the tickets.

Also to my yishun friend(s). I will be spending most of my time in Yishun everyday. And I really mean everyday of the week. Feel free to ask me out for dinner or just a chat. But let me know earlier so I can plan for it. Also to my friend Meng hui, if you are free, you can also ask me out for a meal or two. It has been long since we went out to eat together.



Wednesday, July 11, 2007

我有好多微小的愿望想要达成。

可是却没有机会去完成。

想要飞上太空，

想要吃美食，

想要驾豪华汽车，

想要成大富翁。。。

好多好多的愿望想要达成，

但却有好多好多不想做的事要去做。

真得很想逃避这一切。

真的好想找个肩膀靠。

真想找个人来述说我的故事。

耶稣是我现在的依靠，

但我不知能坚持到多久。。。



Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Bye my precious N90.

Well, my lovely Nokia N90 is officially gone. Don't wish to even mention what happened to it, just that it has parted from me.

My dad want to buy me a new phone but I still can't give up my old one. The times we shared and the memories we had. It is my most expensive phone ever and my most favourite. I bought it for $888 and it just ended it's serving life just like that. I just can't give it up and I don't wish to.

What to do now? I don't know what phone to buy. A cheap one? Because I am going into army and probably not going to use it for 2 years. Or N95? The phone that I want to get?

My expectation of a phone is very simple. It need not be very expensive or very good. I just want a phone that not many people is using. Like my previous phones, Nokia 3650 and Nokia N90. My basic expectation is just to be able to call and message. I don't go for the super cool camera or MP3 player. Neither do I look for wi-fi-able.

Don't know what to do now. Very vex. What to do? Any suggestion my friends?



Saturday, July 07, 2007

The countdown to prelim and A levels have started. Everything is on its way and the motion of mugging has officially started.

The final lap is on its way and I feel so under-prepared. I have so much not yet revised and so many concepts unclear of. I guess I will be in school mugging every evening and plan out a schedule that I must strictly enforce upon myself. I want to get the results I desire. Don't want to get a result that will get me nowhere. I guess Yishun will be my second home from now, since I will be spending most of my time that.

This brings me to the issue of renting a room. Haven got the time to search for one. Been too busy to think about that. I guess mainly is because I don't have the time to make the call. I really need to get a room there because it will save me a lot of time on travelling. I can use the extra time on more studying.

No doubt I am very stressed now, but I will try not to let this feeling get into my way. I will be putting aside a lot of commitments that is not necessary. Spend more time on studying and doing well for exams. There is really not much time left and I don't want to fail myself or anyone that ever had hope on me. In any case, this is the last 100 metre of the run. It is what that counts. So I am no going to dwell on the past results anymore. Putting my 110% into my studies.

Nonetheless I still hope that my true friends will stick with me. Call me out for a meal once in a while, or maybe just a chat. I would need some time off studies once in a while too. I don't want to get too stressed up or get into depression in this period of time. I prefer small groups and close company for starters and my close friends would know how many is in my preferred group. But not too many of such events, I still need time to study as well.

Pray for me my friends. And to my special friends who may or may not be reading this, I would like to tell you I miss you a lot. Lets go out for a meal someday when you are free.

People in my mind now: Ms Lai, Dianto, Choon poh, Yew on, Yun xiang, Wei hao, Benny, Wei ann, Shi Shi, Elton, Eugene, Sharon, Meng hui, Jennifer, Luke.



Monday, July 02, 2007

Woke up early today and went over to CMPB for my national service checkup. Was really tired and have this feeling I am not going to do well for the IQ test. Let me recall what I did there but the order may be wrong.

Went in and discover I was quite early. Not many people there and the waiting time is close to zero. What welcomes me was a unfriendly NS men from the registration desk. Guess it is because of his life there. The first thing he utter was "Read the instructions". First day in the morning and his attitude sinks, wonder how to last the day. Then went to the first station, took a urine test there and got my finger prick for a blood test. After which went into the room and have my blood drawn for don't know what reason. The NS men at this station was talking among themselves most of the time and I was wondering was I really there.

Went to the next station which was X-ray. This short and freaky guy ask me to stand infront of the machine without my shirt and waited for a long time. He said that there is some problem with the machine so I had to wait. After it is done he give me this sick smile and say "you can continue to the next station." The next station was the audio test. We had to go into this room and listen to a beep sound which was really very soft and raise the hand on the same side. I was caught unaware and was like reacting like mad. Went on to the eyesight tested and was tested myopia.

Now to the second last station of the day. The biggest room of them all. Went in, registered at the counter again. Took a locker room key and put everything in, even my shoes and shirt. So I was practically half naked waiting in the cold room with all the other guys there. Went into this ECG room and lay on the bed with the people putting clips and don't know what on me. I really feel like a lab rat. Proceed on to have my height and weight and blood pressure taken. Went back to the registration area to wait to be called. While waiting there, discovered that almost everyone there was from junior college. They have this cocky look which I hate and I put on a 'Ah beng' pattern throughout. While waiting, can't help but to notice this guy with a very nice tattoo on. I quite like the tattoo he have on him. Back to the topic. Went into the room and this guy welcome me with a word "strip". I am like "huh?" Then I realise what I have to do. Take off my berms and brief and cough. He asked me a few question and I went "No" all the way. Then he say ok.

To the last station I went. I am tired from everything by now. Had to do a series of tests on the computer. With patterns, sequences, math,physics, reaction, preference and a lot of don't know what. It was really difficult and what's more, a time limit. I failed badly with this rotating thing partly because I did not really read the instructions. In all, I think I flunk the whole thing. Can't really concentrate at all. Going to join the idiot group which most probably can't even differentiate left and right. I am in deep shit which was caused by my own stupidity. Was very disappointed and I know I can do a whole lot better.

It all ended with a disappointment. Went off to the front desk to submit the paper and I went off. Really hope to re-do the test again. It will affect where I will be posted to in the army and I sabotage myself. Now is left with recruit lifestyle to come. Mixed feelings.



Sunday, July 01, 2007

Inspired by the blog of Ishi. For those who do not know who he is, maybe Soul will be more familiar. He is a member of Soul from superband. He was found dead in his Toyota Altis at the carpark of national stadium recently. He is also an instructor at studio Wu.

For the record, I am not a dance lover and I have no connection with him. Just curious to know what is going on in his mind to commit suicide. Young, talented and also very successful. Dance instructor at such a young age(or is it the norm?) and have all the fame and glory. But what people envy is usually what one is not really want.

Read his blog and found some things common of the both of us. He is a Scorpio like me. Most of all, he is also very emo. But in every way, he is more successful than me. He has a good job that he like, a car of his own and people recognising his work. I tried to understand what he is thinking as I was reading through all his entry. I put myself in his situation and I finally realised what might have cause him to make such a decision.

You may say that he is not contented with what he have but I think otherwise. To others, one might seem to have everything that is envy of many but to one, it is not what he really wants. What he really want he can't find. What he really need he cant get. It is just so sad to live the life he has. It is also very scary to know what happen when one just keeps everything to himself and when the time comes that he can't contain it, it will explode in his face and cause aftermath as serious as death.

I can just relate to how he is feeling and I am experiencing what he is. Jack of all trades but master of none. What is our life going to be? What is ahead of our walk? We may seem to have everything but what do we have actually. We might have a lot of contacts on our friendster but how many of them can we really trust with our life? Who is our true friends?

But death is an extreme solution to made. Why is it that people choose death as a solution? True, it may end our problems but we created more problems for others. Why cost others to pay for the price of our own actions? I can understand why he choose death nonetheless. I have considered death also but I did not execute the thought because I know I still got Jesus there for me. I can still pour out to him even when I am at the end of a fall. I just hope that I have a chance to know Ishi before all this that I might share with him the love of God. I have this feeling that we can really clique because we somewhat share the same idea on things.

His post on love has also materialise what I feel. Many a times, we are all selfish being. We want things for ourselves even if we don't say it out. To be in love because we want that extra set of comfort and love. We want something more complex than what we have. But who can we blame but ourselves? There is nothing wrong with that. I live the way he express this and I don't think I can outdo him.

His blog just let me think about quite a lot of things. Gaining new understanding of life after reading his blog and made me rethink of many things.