Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Today is 29th August 2007. A few more hours to 30th. It just means that I have 1 less day to A levels. My condition? Ultimate stressfulness.

I want to apologise to my friends in advance. If I can't make it for any gathering or any other events, I am really sorry. Not that I don't want to but I have a higher priority. I need to study for my final year that I might need to sit for. But I promise I will surely make myself free whenever I can. Call me out for supper on Friday?

My current results are not that wonderful yet, but I did have some improvements. I promise to do my best to score quality grades. Be it for myself, for a special friend or even for those who have high hopes for me. I will not disappoint any of you even if it takes a miracle out of me.

Will be planning out a studying schedule for myself. I will include my studying plans, some days for sports, some days for relaxation at home and most importantly days to go out for food with my friends. I will be expecting stress, depression, emotional and my bad temper to surface. For those who can't take any of it, please stay clear. I won't restrain myself because I want to use my energy on studying.

What I hope for is a friend from Yishun who can keep my company through this stressful period. Maybe dinner now and then? But I know it is impossible. Things have moved on and nothing is what it used to be. You have made new friends and put everything behind. I have grown to accept that as well. But I will continue to hope but I won't insist on anything that is not destined.

Meanwhile, I will be putting aside every other things that I can put away. I have clear off any events from Church that required my commitments. There are plenty of help out there and I will just drag you all down. So pardon my dismissal from all these. Moreover, I do not have the talent to do all these. I just hope to be the crowd for now until everything settles.

What I need now is friends. Friends who are there for me and stand by me. I hope to be able to de-stress from the company of good friends and good chats. Most importantly, divine blessings.



Monday, August 27, 2007

What do you do when the world seems to collapse on you???



Thursday, August 23, 2007

What does it meant to be Christ-like? To read the bible and pray everyday? To include God in our every speech? I remember writing about this, but now I am going to elaborate on it. To explain the true meaning of what is to be like Christ. Before all, I would like to thank God for blessing me with the gift to see into everyone and everything. So far nothing that I foresee have not come to past. I treat it as a form of maturity in Christ. No one can escape my eyes and my judgement on anyone has yet to be wrong. Not being boastful here, but I do pray and seek God if my judgement are true. I am not judging anyone but it is a guide for me to follow. Not repeating in the mistake made.

Now, lets get on to the subject. To be Christ-like means not only in our actions in Church but also outside Church. Some Christians can be very holy and Christ-like in Church, but once out they are another person. In behaviour and in speech. To Christians they might seem holy but to their outside friends I don't know and I don't wish to know. I have seen some Christians whom I thought is very holy and a 'real Christian', but I am shock of who they are outside. It is like a 180 degree change of person. I must admit not all are like this, but it is that few rats that spoilt the soup. I do know of Christians who smoke and drink but is a fine gentlemen in Church.

Also, to be Christ-like is to follow God's will. Not asking God to follow our will. It is true that we should ask God to bless us with what we really want. But most importantly is that our desire is focus on God. That means that we seek God to bless us with what is not of our own will. A simple illustration is in choosing which school to go to. We should pray that God puts us in the school that we can glorify Him. Not the school that we desire to go nor the school that is more famous. A more close to heart example is in choosing our partner. We should ask God to give us what is good in His sight. Not to ask God to bless a relation that we as man want. This way, it will not be God's will but our own will.

Nonetheless, reading the bible is a compulsory part of Christ-likeness. We must remember what is in the bible. After all, God's words are like the blade of a sword in fighting the battle with the devil. Some Christians treat the bible for granted. They think that it is just a book but it is more than just a book. It is what our lives should based on. When non-Christians ask, we will know how to answer. When we are down, we know where to seek encouragements. When we are unhappy, we know where to find joy. I personally experienced this recently. I can be the best witness to tell of this. It may sound simple but trust me, it is not as easy as it may seem.

Most importantly, is to show off God's name in whatever we do. Before we do anything, use a second to think if God will do the same. Will God jaywalk in this situation? Will God spend His money on such stuff? Will Jesus have this thinking? How will Jesus react in such a situation? If what we are doing will be what God will be doing, then by all means do it. But if it is not the same as we expect, then we got to think again on what we should do. Are we following a path that will glorify God? or are we doing something that is in our own interest? If we are doing something that God would, then we need not fear that he would not be on our side. His blessings will be on us if we do not misuse His trust. But only we ourselves will know if we are doing the right thing. Nobody other than God will know us except ourselves. So whether we have God on our side blessing us can only be answered by ourselves.

Although it may all sound so fundamental but trust me, it is not. Like the correct way of brushing our teeth, how many really follow the correct way? I am sure we all know the right way to brush. Speaking from experience, it is sometimes very tempting to go our own ways. But the consequences of going our own ways are much more to bear. It is better to feel the pain of not going our own ways than to suffer a more painful ending.

Anyway, these are just the basic steps to follow to be Christ-like. There are more to ponder and decipher. It is not a easy thing to do. But if we set our minds right on following God, we will let Him decide what is best for us and we are only to follow. We will have less to worry about. For me, I might not be able to exercise all these to its fullest. I might not be able to do all of these all the time, but I do try my best to. Frankly, I don't see much of this in many of today's Christian. But there are exceptions. There are still those who are really Christ-like.

I just hope that I will be able to use this gift that God gave me to bless others. My words will not be tasteful as I believe that there is no point to listen to nice words. I will only tell the truth to my friends. There is no point to make someone feel happy now and let him suffer in eternity after that. But sometimes I choose not to know so much. It is more carefree not to know. The truth if I feel more hurt than my friends when I see them going through something I knew will happen. The truth is bitter when it is not in our favour.



Tuesday, August 21, 2007

This 2 days are quite boring for me. No papers and no mood to study for the next paper to come. At home sleeping most of the time and doing nothing productive. Wanted to go out but my body just doesn't want to.

Is it so coming to plan for events after A levels? Everyone is saying after As we will do this and that. But it is still a long way until the As. Is there no time for relaxation? Or maybe we can squeeze out 1 or 2 hours just to go out and have a good meal?

Last Friday heard something from a Pastor that made me quite glad. He said that he hasn't seen me for some time. But the fact is I did went to Church. I don't feel the least bit of sadness, in fact I feel quite delighted. I have successfully blend into the background, escaping the spotlight. Being at a place that is best for me to be at. Just sitting there and be a spectator with no demand from me. The stress of being on stage and having so much responsibility is a thing of the past. I feel so free now.

I am never a up-front person. I rather do things behind the stage. Even if one day I am not in the Church anymore, no one will notice and there will not be much of a gossiping. I am rather enjoying the position where I am in. Not participating in anything and having the free time I want. Less commitment and more freedom. I am now contemplating on whether I should sign up for the youth camp in December. If I do, I have to find roommates and less time to enjoy before I go for NS.

Looking for people to go out with. But there is just so little time available. Times when I am free, majority of my friends are not. When they are free, I am not. How sad is it? Maybe Friday nights and Saturdays? I should be free on both days. I have so many places I want to go and a lot of places to eat at.

But for now, it is still on my bed thinking of what to do before someone calls me up and ask me out. Not for stupid things I hope. I still want to retain my image. The cool me.

Oh, I might be taking up a new interest. Maybe a musical instrument like guitar? Or maybe roller-blading? Or just maybe going for kayaking? Or should I use my Wednesday and Friday evenings for Badminton training with my coach? Decision, decision yet again. Lets just see which opportunity cost is lower.

Ask me out for good food soon my friends? Benny, when will you be free for a meal out?



Sunday, August 19, 2007

Watched National Day Rally just now and had many facts for my Geography essays on Population, Globalisation and Urbanisation. At least the day did pay off.

No paper for tomorrow and I am feeling a little empty. Not sure what to do tomorrow and not sure who should I call. Many are still having their prelims and school. So I guess all of them will be busy.

Should I go for a run? Or should I go to the Gym? Or should I sleep in till late afternoon? Maybe I should go back to school and visit some friends and disturb lessons? Or just maybe I should go for some enrichment reading?

Maybe for those who are free, you may wish to call me out? Then I will have less to worry about. Help me to ease the worries. I got things to do but it is not time yet. Waiting for the class's SGC. So at the mean time I got nothing to do. The freedom is killing me. Please help me to decide what to do for tomorrow and maybe the day after.

Help me!!! I am full of this boredom!!! I got 2 free days off my exam schedule to waste!!!



Saturday, August 18, 2007

Was in Church yesterday night. I admit I wasn’t really listening to the preaching. But I did get the message. It was rather relevance to my current state, or should I say my life?

Anyway, I was looking around for familiar faces. I realized that many people are not around. Those whom I have known 3 years plus are not in church anymore. It seems to be only a short period of time but things do change despite the time frame. It’s a new era where the youth dominates. But I still miss those old friends I have eons ago.

I feel like a stranger in Church now. Not that I don’t know anyone, but I seem to know less of the Church anymore. People changed, system changed and rules changed. Things are not what it used to be. Sometimes I wonder why I am sitting there. For my spiritual food or for the attendance? Definitely not for friends. Ever since I first attended service, I have never bothered much about who is beside me, but what is in front of me.

There are so many events for the youth but I am not sure if the youth are here for the fun or for the word. I have seen a few times that these youth behaving even worse that those unchurch. I am no saint to judge but it just feels weird to see such a scene.

The other night, a friend asked me why am I not in a relation. I remembered another of my friend once said that I always have a lot of girls around me. I am not a Casanova, is just that my class have more girls than guys. Is just like Martin Lim, he is always seen around girls. Anyway, the point is that I am not into any relationship now. I want to focus on my studies. My aim is still my result.

Relationships come and go. But I don’t wish for it to affect my studies. Also, I did made a pact with a close friend that I will not be in any relationship before A levels. Anyway, God has not told me to get into any yet. Furthermore, NS will chance a lot, so no point rushing through things. I want my freedom. Able to go out with anyone at any time and not constrain by one. Friendships mean more that relationship for now.

Right now, I just yearn for a lot of resting. I want my friends to be around me. I want to have simple fun. I want to have a good chat with you. I want to eat good food. I want to get tanned. I want to buy a new bag. I want to buy a bike.



Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Can't seem to sleep now. Maybe is the coffee I drank just a few hours ago? Or maybe is the tensed feeling I get whenever exams are near the corner?

Just a lot of things going through my mind right now. Complex, tensed, uneasy and nervous. Just a mixed feeling inside me now. I don't know how to pull through this situation. Prelims is just hours away and I am really under-prepared. I am preparing to fail but I just find it hard to swallow. I am putting everything on the line and trusting God. Everything has its purpose and I really did tried to study. I just hope that no one will pressurize me. I promise I will perform better in A levels. I am still aiming for my realistic Bs.

I don't mind failing. For those who know me from the past, you will know that I have failed through many test. I score 30 over points for my O level prelims but I am still able to pull through with God's blessings. I really can't take this pressure. Everyone is expecting me to do well but I am still not performing up to standards. I really need to focus after this prelims and aim for my results. Afterall, no one except myself can help me.

Right now, I just hope to see and hear from one person. Luke, I wonder if you will be reading this but I hope to tell you this. I really missed you very much. I hope that you can give me a call soon and have a random chat. I remember we had one long ago and I really missed it. I missed your voice and your laughter. I miss your prayers and the laying of your hand on me. I hope to meet you physically and hug you. No to worry, I am straight. I still love my eye-candy. Lets put everything aside and just have a good chat. To err is human.

I also missed Meng hui a lot. He is by far the best friend I ever had. We may not see eye to eye sometimes but we are still able to compromise and get things done. Together we can achieve great things. The times we had, the words we spoke. Every part of them I hold deep in me and never will I forget. All I hope for is a good meal and a nice chat like we once had. Just the two of us, and nothing more.

Sometimes I just hope that God will let me escape all these trials. Nothing that he put me through is easy. Always I am put into difficult situation. I really do not want to disappoint Him but many a times I am too weary to continue this walk. It is just so tiring to keep on asking for strength. But even at this moment, I still can't stop asking for His strength. Maybe this is what a true relationship with God is all about. Drawing strength from Him every second and asking for His guidance.

The stress of examinations and depressed spirit is taking over. I really need to void this feeling. It is getting worser by the minute. I find myself praying more and more. I find myself weaker and weaker. I am only living by God's mercy and sustenance.

God, I Need you now. Help me with my simple wish. You are always in my mind and I will always humble myself before you. Guide me, lead me. Comfort my heart and carry me on your back. Hold my hand and pull me along the path before me.



Sunday, August 12, 2007

I got this question to ask whoever is reading this post. Do you think we are living in paradise or in hell? With all the beautiful things on earth, we can hardly say that we are suffering.

Looking at the children of today, we can see our world moving ahead. With all the technologies that surround them, it adds a new meaning to globalisation. The children in this time is truly living a blessed life. PSP, 3G mobile phones, laptops and even MP3 players. All these gadget can be found on many children of our time. Isn't this what every kid would hope for? 20 years ago, none of these was ever mentioned to the adolescence, needless to say the desire for them. So in comparing the two period, our kids of today is truly being blessed with all the wonderful things. But they are still not contented with what they have. They want more of what they have and they are not satisfied.

What we used to have 20 years ago was just simple toys and games that cost almost nothing compared to the cost of toys nowadays. Back then, children had to work to buy whatever they want and primary school kids working is relatively common. Life was a lot tougher and less luxurious. There was no such thing as rights for the children and they were all under the mercy of reality. Time was bad and everyone had to pull through it together.

Comparing this two very different period, which is more of a paradise? The answer, both. The children living this two time are both blessed. None is worst than the other. There is no basis for comparison. There is a paradise of its own for the two. But in itself, there is also hell. Hell for those who misused technology, hell for those who are not satisfied with what they have and also hell for those who is always comparing.

In these days of trials and temptation, we have to exemplify ourselves and resist the temptation.Both Greed and Jealousy are the sins we are facing. If I say I do not want a PSP, I am lying. But the reason I am not bugging anyone to buy it for me is because I know I want it because everyone has it. I do not need it. If I continue to want it and not able to get it, I will make my life very miserable.

It sounds like a simple logic. But it is difficult to abide to most of the time. It took me some time to understand this fact too. Whether it is paradise or hell, it is up to our own decision. Likewise, the decision to follow Christ is also up to us. No one can forced or trick anyone into making such decision. If you are asking why does Christians always want people to accept Christ, I can't provide an answer. Everyone have to experience this feeling by themselves. It is just like being in a relationship. No one can truly explain the feeling unless we experience it personally.

It is important the we set our lifestyle right before embarking anything. The feeling of someone backing our every move is very important and fulfilling. It is just like being in paradise with all the blessings surrounding us. Hell is just the opposite. Where we will find whatever we do not going right. Everything is just a mess and we just can't get things right.

But many a times we find ourselves entangled between this two. Not knowing where to go and where to belong. Friday while I was in church, I saw a scene which puts me thinking. Teenagers screaming and yelling in Church not praising God, but for their own pleasure. I wonder if they know the purpose of them being in Church. What they are doing does not echo the name of their God. To be blunt, at the rate they are going they will surely end up in Hell. What they are doing is nothing pleasing to God. Needless to say a disgrace to themselves.

My point here is that whether paradise or hell, we choose our own path. We can't blame anyone for our decision and where we will end up. But hell is an easier path to end up than paradise. It takes a great deal of effort to be in paradise.

Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."
John 6:35 (NIV)



Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Today is YJC's 3 in 1 day. National day, college day and track and field all in one. wasn't really a fun day. Everyone was just hoping that the day will end very soon. Was looking forward to the lunch date.

Went out with my rumoured girlfriend. We went to Sakae at Woodlands for our meal. We went to window shop for a few hours before the teatime buffet. Practically walked into every shop that sells things. Then we went to Sakae to eat at 3pm. She is really good at eating. Never seen anyone with such an appetite. Makes me feel like asking her out for more buffet session.

Went to G12 with a heavy heart. Not because of anything but just that someone will be here. Someone I wished to see and talk to but I just don't know where and how to start. We just sit there like strangers throughout the whole session. Not that I don't want to interact but I just don't know how. Don't wish to make a mess of things or to get the wrong idea across. Most importantly, I don't know what is in his mind. Whether he wish to chat with me. Initially wanted to ask him for some fellowship after the session but I just can't put the words together. Don't know when will I have the chance again.

It lead me to remember the good old days we had. Joking and messing around together. But I guess it is a thing of the past. Nothing last forever. Every sweet dream will come a time when we have to wake up. A church friend reminded me that I am just here temporary and I will be moving back after my As. Deep in me, I don't really want to go back since he is here. But I guess it is not up to me to decide. I just have to pray and seek an answer. Just hoping that it will be an answer that I want. This heavy heart followed me back all the way.

From this few days of intense bible study, I understand that God has a plan in all of us. We need to follow his will. Doing what is just and accordance to His words. It is not on our own intellect to contemplate with what is prophesied. What is to happen will happen regardless of what we do. So why should we go against the wall and end up hurting ourselves? Why not follow the flow and we will end up in the reservoir of blessings.

Next week will be having my prelims. Don't ask if I am prepared or not. No one will be at this stage. Or should I say in any stages in this period. I just hope I don't fail too badly. I have too much to think about and I can't really concentrate on studies. I keep on drawing strength from my God to pull through. If not I guess I will be in depression by now. Who else can I turn to? My stress is building up. Talking to people doesn't really help. I guess I should keep it all to myself. It will be better for all. It can also be a source of motivation for me.

I am ExTrEmSaD. Forever will I be burdened by sorrow till the day I am delivered. I will always look forward to the day we can be like the past or even better.



Monday, August 06, 2007

我曾深刻体会对爱感到胆怯

还好有懂我的你给我安慰

看你失落的脸又再为爱憔悴

我心痛的感觉竟如此的强烈

眼角的泪它给过谁

伤透了心也无所谓

我会愿意静静地陪在你身边

如果说爱已不可为

那我宁愿藏心里面

其实我害怕会失去你的感觉

怎么会开始对你有了感觉

又深怕朋友默契转身不见

矛盾着犹豫不决

没准备跨越爱的界线

怎么会开始对你(你)有了感觉

深陷朋友恋人之间的危险

进与退被爱包围谁犯规都狼狈

谁能解围让一切完美

怎么会开始对你(你)有了感觉

深陷朋友恋人之间的危险

你和我拥抱瞬间不后悔这暧昧

星光唯美把爱放心里面

把爱放心里面

把爱放心里面

把爱放心里面




Sunday, August 05, 2007

We are all running in this race of life. Whatever we do, it is just a part of the race. Be it the beautiful scenery we come across or the rough terrain that we have to endure.

It can be any difficult moments in our life that we find it difficult to pull through, but we are not alone in this run. Everyone else is running the same race as us but at different pace. All of us have to go through the same situation. It is not a race to see who come in first but to see who can complete the race in the end.

There may be trials and obstacles that we may find it difficult to endure. But there are others who are in the race as well. They are there to encourage us and some may even stop and run at our pace. For those who have completed the race, they are all by the side giving us their blessings. Friends are there to give a helping hand when we need it. It doesn't matter who is helping who, what is important is that both can savor it years later.

It is true that two runner in the race can clash into each other and tension may arise. Even between two friends, it can happen. But it doesn't mean that it marks the end of the two. It just means that they are on the same track and they are doing the same thing. It means that they are on par with each other and have the same frequency. We should be glad that someone we know is close by instead of turning around and blame the other party who did nothing wrong. There is a higher order that placed the two together.

The road may not be as smooth as we imagine it to be. There might be a landslide, earthquake or even muddy ground. This may come in the form of a broken friendship or relationship or even a setback in a major exam. But we can be glad that if we continue on, we will get through it.

We may get weary or tired. But it doesn't mean we can give up. We just need to slow down and regulate our breathing. Take a look at the beautiful scenery by the track or think of something else. Maybe to find someone to run with us for a portion of the journey or maybe the whole distance. The last thing we need is to overestimate ourselves and continue to push ourselves until we collapse.

Let us take this as a process of our growing up. To learn from the process itself. Not to dwell into any setbacks. It is just a journey we all must go through. Looking back years later, we can all enjoy every moment of it.



Saturday, August 04, 2007

Didn't have time to blog much this week. Was in school till late night almost everyday. Reach home late and tired, so no time to blog about anything.

One more week till prelims and I am still not confident enough to score what I want. I need more time to prepare for my grades. People around are all mugging and I feel that I am so slack compared to them. I need to concentrate in my studies. I have already booked all my tutors next week for consultation and I am going to prepare myself with all the questions I have.

Friday went to CJC with Ghit hong, wei neng and xuan hong for a charity concert. It was really nice and of high standards. I really enjoyed every part of it. While watching, I had the rush to want to take up dancing or something. Those people's flexibility is astounding. They can dance and fly. Really had a wonderful time there and supporting Michele. She is really a great gymnast. Meet Jordan also. He is getting much more handsome. Bet there is a lot of girls there fighting for him.

After that went to Prata house for prata. Had a small hilarious comedy there. Not going to mention it here. But it was really funny. Never mind, at least we all now know and won't make the same mistake again.

Went home after that and feel so happy. Some enjoyment amidst all the studies really helps. I reckon that we can do this when A levels is approaching. Wee pang will also be free then. Then we can all really come out for some gathering. Have fun somewhere and catch up on what is happening.

One more week and I am going to do my best. Praying that God is on my side and will bless me all the way through the journey.