Never plan too far ahead it will just seem too far away too distant for you to reach...
zihao blogged at 10/30/2007 10:19:00 PM
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Less than 24 hours before my first paper.
Not sure if I am ready for it. Feel so nervous now. Anxiety feels my mind.
Fear is clouding my mind. The feeling is so rotten.
I don't know how to fall asleep tonight.
How will I fair in it? Will I get my desired grades? Have I prepared enough?
This is the first time I feel like escaping that much. I want to be super sick and avoid this torment.
Please pray for me and send me your encouragement. Thanks for those SMSes that have been coming in.
zihao blogged at 10/28/2007 09:19:00 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Trying to find a job after my As.
Got a long break for my to idle, so I guess the only way out is to look for a job to waste time.
Preferably a job that can start work on 16/11/07. Although the pay is secondary, but it must be reasonable.
Was thinking of working at Sentosa. The sun, the beach and people to mix around with. I admit this is not the typical me, but I guess I need to be exposed to something new.
Office job is also fine, but I hope to be able to meet new people. I want to build up on my network of friends. Or maybe something challenging or fun? As long as I can fill up my holiday and I can earn some extra cash, I am fine with it.
If time permits, I will go for Badminton coaching courses and driving courses.
Also, to those who are curious in knowing whether I will return to ministry, the answer is no. I figure that without respect there is no use in a leadership. I don't want to be back-stabbed by others. If I do not have the right to point out a mistake, what is the use of being a leader?
A Christian leader not only need to be good in front of Christians. So what if you are full of praises before Christians? There is no use for a candle amidst a bundle of candles. How can you teach if you are unable to learn from what you teach? I want to unmask you in front of everyone, but again there is no point for me to do so. There won't be any fun if I do so.
Some may also ask if I will return to my old cell,my answer is Luke 10:6-12. I love being solo and being the way I am. At least I am able to see the full picture and not be fool because of worldly friendship. The scriptures against my individualism I have already known. So no point telling me again. But do you know the scriptures against false prophets? A white washed tomb? Or perishing in hell because you are in cahoot with evildoers?
Daily wisdom: If you feel that a friendship is hard to maintain, end it as soon as possible. There is nothing to gain from a friend who only enjoys listening to praises.No man can serve two masters, likewise, no one can have two best friends because he will not be able to share equal resources with the two.
zihao blogged at 10/23/2007 11:25:00 PM
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The stress level is building up and I am nearly burnt out. It is just taking so much out of me and kept me having wild thoughts. As the days draw nearer, I am feeling more and more nervous. I wonder if I can pull through this ordeal.
One last week to the final judgement. It just seem so fast and the next thing we know, we will be getting back our results. But before that, it is a series of worries and stressfulness.
I feel so unprepared, as if I have not done anything for this A levels at all. There are still so many things that I don't know and have no confidence in. I dare not predict or spot any questions in advance because if they don't come out, I am dead. So I am trying to do my best to absorb every single thing that is being learnt in the process and try to recall everything that have been taught to me over this course of education.
This strange feeling lingers in me which caused me to be distracted. I can't pinpoint the exact feeling or what causes it to be there. It could be a person, a belief, a desire or an emotion. I can't make head or tail out of it. What I can certain is that it is disturbing me.
How I wish this moment can remain as it is, without the dawning of day. Then the next day will never come and we need not worry about the future. What a wonderful idea this is.
To someone: Sometimes I just hope that I have the courage to do things I want. But I can face the truth once the disillusion is over. Guess that our friendship is too fragile. But I have somehow know the answer is not to my liking. Maybe I should be determine to ask the question and let this friendship ends before anyone sinks too deep. Given a chance, I will never hope for this to happen. But if it is our destiny, so be it. I don't want this to hinder me now.
zihao blogged at 10/21/2007 10:55:00 PM
Friday, October 19, 2007
The million dollar question is partially answered. Baffled by this question, I wasn't able to concentrate on what I am doing. Everything I have planned have been delayed due to it. But now, I think things will go a little better.
The answer that I have been searching for in Luke is the word "faith". It is as simple as that. Nothing more, nothing less.
The faith to believe in miracles. The faith to believe in the impossible. The faith to attain the unattainable. The faith to believe in the unbelievable. Most importantly, the faith in the intangible. This may all sound easy, but trust me it is the most difficult task there is to be fulfilled.
To tell the truth, I am lacking in faith. There are just so many trials and temptations that I am facing that I don't think I have the energy to overcome all of them. I am just too weak and dishearten to continue. The last ounce of strength in me I have already used it up. The strength I am drawing from now is one that I am tired of drawing anymore. The support I need is no able to sustain me through. The care I need is just so delusional that I don't think it exist.
Every wondered why people who know Christ chose to give up this blessing? Actually it is very simple. When they think they gain more from the worldly, they will choose to stay in it. To be frank, Christian friendship can be very fragile. Although I am not a Christian for very long, but I have seen many cases of such. People leaving church because they have an unsettled dispute between someone from church and people hating God because of what their Christian friends did to them.
I can't say I don't empathize them but I don't agree with them totally. If there are no friends in Church you can talk to, there are Christians from other Churches that you can still connect with. The important thing is to have faith that tomorrow will be better. In my school alone, I have known Christians from so many Churches and they are all good friends I can rely on when I needed help. When I can't find what I desire from my Church-mates, they are there to keep me going.
So, there is no point to give up something because of something we don't see. We have to put our sight further than what is before our eyes. There is always a sunrise after every sunset. A true friendship will last the toll of time but a fake friendship will melt before the fire. Have faith that you will find a true friendship when the time is right.
But nonetheless, there is still something in the book of Luke that I still can't decipher. Or more of the name Luke that I can't seem to understand. It is more that just the book that God wants to tell me, that I am sure. But what about Luke is it that God is trying to tell me? Or is it the person that God is trying to speak to me about? What is it that I have to know?
zihao blogged at 10/19/2007 11:13:00 PM
Thursday, October 18, 2007
zihao blogged at 10/18/2007 11:40:00 PM
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Not sure why but this two weeks a certain name have been appearing around me.
If you are reading this, scroll down and look and the daily verse for today 17.10.2007.
Yes, the name is Luke. If you are planning to ask why, I have no idea. My daily devotion and my daily bread have been revolving around Luke. Even the daily verse on my blog is on Luke.
Why is this name constantly appearing? Can any one offer me an answer? Is it a prophecy? Which Luke is He referring to? Or maybe a new Luke that is to appear?
I am too weary to try to fathom or to think about it. I am just going to leave it in the hands of God to decide what he want of me. I will be a good boy and be obedient and follow what He instruct of me.
zihao blogged at 10/17/2007 11:59:00 PM
Monday, October 15, 2007
The nine o'clock show ended off with a line that made an impact in my mind. 'Maybe what we always need is someone there to listen to what we have to say'. I totally agree with the idea.
It need not be a serious talk between two person but a simple chit-chat session. Just a cosy chair and a relaxing ambiance. In today's context, I think it is very important to have someone there to talk to and to vent some anger. But definitely not to whack the other party. Since we can't possibly just retaliate when we are in a difficult situation, the best way is to hold back the frustration and swallow whatever comes our way. After all, our reputation is at stake here. So, our only solution is to find someone and start complaining.
Or maybe we can practice catharsis. Nowadays, horror movies are readily available in every CD rental shops. Just go and borrow one and scare the daylight out off yourself and forget whatever that is bothering you. Or to get a comedy and laugh away your worries. As long as nothing or no one is hurt in the process, it's fine. A even better solution is to go youtube and watch some hilarious clips. It will help to relax our mind and puts us aways from the stress we are in.
But the best way is still to have a listening ear. It is wonderful to have someone there when you need someone to talk to. This person may not need to provide a solution but certainly his presence will make a great deal of a difference. Deep in us there is this urge to show off. Whatever we do, there is a certain degree that we hope to gain the awareness of someone if not everyone. It is also true that we always need someone to listen to what we have to say. It is not easy for everyone to understand another but the least we can do is to offer a listening ear without being bias to any side.
The only problem is to find such a person who will be there to listen when you want to speak. Who can be so convenient to pop up at the right time? Maybe someone who is always there beside you or maybe someone whom you have forgotten but is still praying for you constantly? I prefer the latter. At least you know that this person is still thinking of you and is a real friend. But do you remember who this person is? Or maybe you can't even remember that you were once very close?
Whatever it is, it is not that easy an issue to find someone to listen to you and the right person for it. If you do, treasure the person forever. It is never easy for another to be so willing to listen to you and is so free to be there whenever you need someone to listen to you.
To sidetrack a little, I received my enlistment letter last Thursday and I was shocked when I saw the date. I won't say when in my blog but it will be a long time before I go in. So I got to plan what to do during this period. Most likely I will be getting a job. But for now, it is still mugging for As for me.
CIAO
zihao blogged at 10/15/2007 10:04:00 PM
Something meaningful from an email I received just a moment ago. I wish to share it with everyone who is reading this blog.
Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough".
The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom".
They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?".
"Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?".
"I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said.
"When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? ".
She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone". She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled! even more. "When we said , 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess .
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
She then began to cry and walked away.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them.
zihao blogged at 10/15/2007 11:48:00 AM
Friday, October 12, 2007
Finally after a long wait it is time. 12.10.2007, the day we finally graduate from Yishun Junior College. It is a mixture of sadness and anxiety. This day also marks the drawing near of A levels and the time to really settle down to mug.
But first, Let me upload some cool friends I have in YJC. They are not all but they are all I can manage to knock into today.
Zu Fu, my Chinese literature friend. He never fail to make me feel sleepy during lesson. But his hardwork and knowledge astound me. Did I mention he knows how to write traditional Chinese character? That is so amazing.
This is the forever blur aik hong. Don't understand what she is trying to say sometimes but she surely made everyone laugh amidst all our stress. She is also very good in her subjects.
The 2 noisy girl from my class. But they have great character. They made the class more lively and joyful. Fun people and will sure miss their presence.
My Chinese literature gossip mate. Sporty and joyful. It is fun to gossip and complain with you during lesson time.
Marilyn my lame-mate. Crap cold jokes and chat about many things together. My fellow sister in christ too just like aik hong.
An qi my chinese literature classmate also. Another smart girl with a cheerful smile. Hardworking and diligent.
The left side clan of the CLL lesson. We have enjoyed sarcasm like nobody ever had.
Beryl who never fails to call me giraffe when ever she sees me. She studies English literature and she is a champion debater. So don't try to out-talk her.
Mr David who is so knowledgeable in the world. He knows so much that sometimes I wonder if he is a computer. He never fails to entertain me during GP lessons.
All the cheerful stars in the school. What more is there to say but the stars on their hand.
Jiemin the girl that shock me the most. She looks so sweet but when she erupts, you do not wish to be next to her.
Half of the current GP class with Mr Sim our tutor. The lame-ness he produce is overwhelming. All the 'score, score score' and 'you already know'.
How can I left out Justin. The cute little boy of YJC. He is aware of me for so long yet I only know him this year.I really regret not knowing him earlier. Cool friend and funny at times. My Gay-mate during OGL time of 2007. Act cute with him is just so fun. Most importantly, he promised badminton sessions with me.
So many wonderful people in the school and how can anyone find college life boring? All these friends are everywhere when you need them. Most importantly with friends who share the same interest makes the years more enjoyable.
We will surely keep in contact after we graduated from Yishun Junior College which bestow upon us so many memories and we will return one day and say that we are proud to be a YJCian. Justin for one won't forget about me because he just promised me. I will kill him if he break his promise. I will smash him with my racquet.
There are still many more photos that I haven upload it here or in friendster. But I will post a link once I collected all of them. It has certainly been a wonderful memory I will treasure forever and I thank all those who have made it possible.
zihao blogged at 10/12/2007 03:57:00 PM
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
October is a month of fear for many in Singapore. At the end of the month a major trial awaits many. The big A is around the corner. There is no avenue for failing and there is no option for mistakes.
I am stressed up over the drawing near of the month. I am nowhere near prepared for the major examination. Things are not going the right way no matter what I do. Worse of all, the stress from everyone else that is adding up. The question here is whether I can manage to handle it all. I know I can do better than this but I still not doing my best.
I really hope to rebel and not attend lessons, but there is something in me that is holding me back. No I am not afraid of anything but is just the responsibility in me that compels me to do so. I guess I will try to find time off my curriculum for my revision. Got to put in my best and refrain from all distraction. There is just too little time for me and I really need to plan well. I am going to ignore any advice that will go against my plans.
Worse of all, my spiritual life isn't doing any better. Temptations are killing me. I can't seem to do well in anything. Where is the help that will bring me through all this? Where is the friends who are once there to share my limelight? Is there no really no friends who are there when you are down? I am not asking for any of my churchmate to pity me, in fact, I am not expecting them to do anything for me. I have already gotten over it and looking ahead. Not sure how long will I be able to hold on, but I will try my best until I am too weary to try again.
Disappointments are everywhere and I have to overcome them all to reach the peak of my success. Friends or no friends, I will do my best to continue this journey. I will look forward to the glorious days ahead. Beyond all these suffering and pain I am going through.
People I miss:Meng hui, Dianto, Yew on, Choon poh, Wei ann, Luke, Eugene and many many more....
