Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Don't even mention what happened this morning. It just wasn't my day. It was just an upset. I could have done better. Blame it on everything possible. I just don't know what to say.

Went home after that, had no mood to go anywhere else. The first thing I do is to sleep. To make up for the lack of sleep I had. This holiday was suppose to be a study week. But guess it will not be possible as I have already wasted like 2 days doing nothing. Please for those who are reading this, do not deter yourselves from asking me out. I really need a break and friends with me for this crucial period.

The thing I like about staying home is that I can reflect on many things. The even better part of it is that I can get emotional over it.

I guess my feelings over her has died. I do like her very much and I think it is just not the right time. Now is not the time for relationship for me. I just have no extra time for it. I am all packed with everything else that is not of my desire. Just doing what God has set in me and I just hope I don't complain as much. Frankly speaking I do not have the inclination to do the work of God. The responsibility is too great. Much is given, much is expected and I can't meet with the expectations. So this fading of feeling for her really helped me a lot.

Some thought come to mind and I think about it and guess it make sense. I am spending so much time in church and church activities that I have no time for the rest. I feel so out of place because I do not know what happened when the rest goes out while I had to go church. Every Wednesdays and Fridays I miss out on opportunities to bound with my badminton friends just because I had to go church and G12. I can't go out with my secondary school friends because I got church on Fridays and Sundays and have to sleep early on Saturdays. I can't ask people out because I have church activities on Saturdays and duties on Sundays. Despite my tiredness I have to go for G12 on Wednesdays and feel exhausted when I reach home. special events now and then forced me to stay back till every late and ended up taking the last train home.

Church has really occupied my entire life. Not to mention the long hours of schooling. My personal life is totally gone and I have no freedom at all. No time for friends everywhere. The irony is that I am not feeling the sense of belonging to the church as much. I am just like a bird in a cage yearning to fly out.

How I wish that I can get some friends and go to a local pub and chat over a bottle of beer and a cigarette in hand. Without having to worry about anything, just sitting there and rot my life away with friends that really know me.

Another matter come into mind while I was emo-ing at home. Who are my real friends? I think of my secondary school friends. They just seem to know me so well. What I like and dislike. The people that I prefer, and those I hate. The places I feel comfortable and the places I hate.

Then, I think of my primary school friends. They are just so supporting. They go through almost the same thing I went through and they are really my brothers. I just feel so enjoying being with them. Chatting with them just brings back so much memories and happy times.

I also think of a few particular friends, namely choon poh, weihao, yewon, yunxiang, dianto, gekpeng, huimin, benny, weiann, elton, johny, eugene, menghui, luke sim, matthew, luke phua and some I forgot. This are the friends that have made a mark in my life that I will never forget. Not to forget those that I know from JC like sharon, sophie, zw, jh, huishan, martin lim, martin shing and the many more.

Now more than ever I need all this friends with me. For support, for comfort and even for confide. Send me a message now and then to chat with me will surely make my day. Just hope to concentrate on my educations and not let other things distract me. Every one is just so stressed and depressed at this period of time that even I am also affected.

Friends who are reading this, do not wait to send that sms to ask me out. I will if I can fit it into my timing. Town will be the preferred place but I am also fine with the heartlands as long as I have easy access home. A good meal is all that satisfy me.

Nothing last forever, neither friends nor foes.