Thursday, February 22, 2007

Not feeling well today and went to see the doctor. Headache since yesterday. The doctor say that it is due to over-stressfulness. I totally agree with him. I am really stress and do not know how to handle it on my own.

Everything is as good as it last. The good days are over. Now it is all hard work. No point reminiscing the past when it is all a thing of the past. The good old days just seem so far away. I am just emotional. Putting too much emotion into everything I do. But it is just me.

Scan through all the songs I have on my computer and realise that at least 90% of them are emo songs, all sad songs. I just love them very much. Listening to them just brings back so much memories. My heart just sank when I am listening to the songs.

I don't care what people think of me but I just hope to express myself and let everything out in this post. So it will be a little long.

I hasn't felt such great emotion since the day I know how to spell my name. It is like losing a part of me. I do not know why I am feeling such pain and since when it started. I do not know if it is a good thing or not. But I am quite certain who did it. God is the one who put all this emotions into me. Before I get to know God in a personal way, I do not bother about all this matters. Friends are like passing wind and studies makes no impact in my life. I do what I like when I like. Now, friends has become an important part of me. They have taken an important place in my life.

I hate being neglected. I hate not being in the limelight. I just hope people to be aware of my existence and try to gain my attention. It may just be egoistic to many. But it is what motivates me. I am not asking to have it all but I just hope for a little of it. Everyone hopes to be picked first into any group. Who will hope to be picked last? To be the unwanted one. Or to be pitied by others. Having to be a favourite when the teacher ask everyone to pick a project partner. Going out with friends and being asked by many instead of like tagging along when nobody ask you at all(not hinting someone I hate).

It is not wrong to ask for a bit more concern. It is not wrong to ask for some love. It is certainly not wrong to ask for a bosom friend. I admit I am not a perfect friend but I do accept criticism. I do change. Just give me a chance to do so. I know it is impossible to force someone to be your bosom friend that's why I am not asking anyone to be. I let things take its own course.

I feel very depress as well. I can't really tell the cause of it but I am seriously in depression. I may look fine and all, that's because I don't want people to sympathise me. I get all emotional all of a sudden nowadays even me myself do not know why. I hate it a lot. I am really tired of it all, I am really tired of myself. I want to have a break, I need to have a break. Away from this Christian walk, away from this responsibility. It is just so great a burden to bare. I am too weary to continue. I do not want to put a false front before others. I really need some new form of encouragement. The pride of life is truly difficult to put aside.

A few words for my friend:

To Luke- My friend. I truly enjoy your company since I know you. At first when I got to know you, I do not really want to be too close to you. You seem so spiritual and friendly that I fear one day you will substitute my existence. But now, all this seems unimportant, if my friends forget about me it just shows that I am not important in their life. Better for them to forget me now. Anyway, you are really a good confide and friends. Thanks for being there and willing to talk to me at times. Just hope that you can have a stronger will and not be easily influence by others. Know what to do and when to do things. Not because your friends ask of you. Dare to stand out and be different. Do not sin because of other people's action. I really treat you as a good friend and hope our friendship will be as good as it last. Hope we will have more chance to really fellowship. Hope that we will have good memories before I do leave church. Nothing last forever, neither friends nor foes.