Saturday, September 09, 2006

I feel like assessing myself and give myself an account of what is going on and what should I do. For those who don't like my ideas or how I feel, please close this window. No one force you to look at it. Whatever it is, it is still my way of thinking. Everyone is entitle to their own thinking.

Well firstly to address the issue of a question asked by an old friend who asked me why I have not been going out with them. If you know me well, I hate going out with big groups. The purpose of going out and eating a meal together is to interact. If not, might as well go home and eat. Going out in a large group have many disadvantages. It is difficult o locate a seat and when ordering drinks or what, some people will just act and avoid paying. In a large group, talking is difficult too, you also can't have a heart to heart talk and some things is a taboo to talk about. I also hate going out with people I am not familiar with. I feel uncomfortable and I will not be myself and I also don't know what to talk about. I also hate some people from the group and I just want to avoid them. Maybe its just me but I don't care. I rather go out with one or two and we can really talk. I also hate things that irritates me when going out in groups. I will not want to touch on this issue, if I write it down, people might know who I am saying.

Someone say I have changed. But have I? Or is it you who have changed. I still talk to the group I always talk to. I always hang out with the usual people, my feelings and thinking is still the same. What about you? The group that you go out with is not the same. Your behaviour is different, your attitude is different. The things you talk about is different. You don't like to go out last time but now you will call on people to go out. You will talk to me last time and now, you are always sticking to another and talking and playing with him all the time. Well, I am cool with that. We all have the freedom to choose our friends and I never like to control anyone. If you are happy now, its fine with me. You can enjoy all the company all the moments with each other for all I care. But what I hate most is that you push all the blame on me, that I have change and is me that choose not to. But the fact is it takes two hands to clap. If you think he is a better friend, go ahead. Give yourself a group to belong. But just give yourself sometime to think things through. Who can be a better friend and is it just a moment of happiness? I can't do anything if you feel you are happier hanging around him. I am still who I am one year or two years ago. The sad person I am, who love to keep things to myself and values friendship more than anything. So think about it, who have really changed. I miss my bro who is in NS now. We are close to the level where we know what brand and color of underwear each other is wearing. It may sound gay but that is really how close we are. I just hope we can reach that standard of friendship. But I think you two have reach that level before we can.

Is isolation really good for me? I hope to live in isolation from now on. At least it will be safe for myself. I will not have any good friends who will hurt me and I will not get green eyes when I see people getting very close. I can also focus on my own work and I can just make decisions easier. There is just so many benefit of being in isolation and just keep an acquaintance relation with everyone. Being in isolation will keep me away from sadness and disappointment. I do not have the best of any ability but I hope those around me will achieve standards better than me. But when I have high hopes, I get upset when expectations are not met. I will not affected by my emotions when I am in isolation when I can only focus on myself. I can also better build up my friendship with my old friends from my primary school. The people of the world have just too many faces and I just can't cope with them all. Hypocrites are everywhere and people just don't mean what they say. For example when one person say to you that you two are the best of friends but the next moment not even a year later, the two hardly even talk. I like the carefree lifestyle of being alone.

I don't like to say too much things but people just take advantage of me. Like when I lend money to people, when I don't mention, they just forget about it and don't return to me. I don't like to go around asking people for money and I hate people who don't return money. That is why I don't like to lend people money. Also, those who think they are smart, like to talk bad about people. You can call me names and say whatever you like. But grow some brains and know when to stop. Don't think I smile and joke means I am afraid to do anything or whatsoever. Don't push your luck kid. When You mess with me when I am not in a good mood(which is nowadays) I will not give face to anyone and I will whack you. No one can stop me. The years of Aikido I have learn is not in vain and I will just break your bones and make you suffer. So don't think I am joking and continue with your brainless nonsense or I will do what I preach. I am after all not a goody goody boy. I come from a background where gangsters is not a big deal to me. I don't like to go to a close friend and ask why have you ignore me and please go out with me. I respect the decision of any individuals and I do not like to force people. So don't think that I do not feel anything.

I hated studies and I am never happy when I study. Many things have happened recently and it lead me to ponder. Should I continue to study or should I go into the office and get a leaving form and sign it? Get into army and come out in two years time and find myself a job. Save up for two years and use the money to start a small business. Get myself a girlfriend and maybe get married young and have a career in badminton. I need not face any study stress and need not compare with others about results. I also don't know where my studies will bring me to and I seriously see no future in my studies. I can achieve more than what I am achieving in academic results. I think I will be much more happier without having to study.

I hate people linking me up with others. I am who I am. I have my own style, my own thinking, my own hobbies and so what is someone else like the same things as me? They are not me and they don't know me. I can safely say that friends I have made this five to six year knows just very little of me. When people links me up with some one I know, it will just bring back some good old memories which is no more possible. I get sad when I think of those memories which I can never enjoy anymore.

I got so much more to say back I am too tired to write them down. While I am writing all this, so many memoriesjust come back. I feel like crying thinking of them. Hoping for the good old days. Will continue to post this topic when I am feeling better.