Sunday, April 22, 2007

In church today, felt God slapping me on the face. Not literally but in his words. In the message today, I felt like being scolded by Him. I know I did wrong but it is not easy for me to do something about it.

The lesson learned is to forgive. To love my enemies and to forgive them, I am afraid I can't do so. I like this thing about forgiving yet not trusting. You can forgive someone but you need not trust that someone. Hatred is part of my life and it is what drive me on. It is somewhat in me to hate someone to the core and for life. I do not know how to forgive and forget. Even for friends whom have betrayed me and let me down, I can't forgive and forget.

Meng hui once told me to put things aside and prioritize but I just can't seem to do so. Not that I don't want but is that I don't know how. To me, I would put things I want to do first even though I know it is not right. There is just no motivation for me to do the right things now. What is the point of doing the right thing and yet not getting what you hope for? One question I wonder is that I am doing God's work but I am not getting what I want(friends).

Who are my true friends? You who is now reading this entry? I want to know who are my true friends. Whom will be there when I need them most. Be my comfort and support. Maybe love can give the same satisfaction or even more, but when love is over all of it will end. Is my friends those who ask me out for K ever so often? Or those that ask me out for badminton? Or is it those who ask me out because I just so happen to be there and it is only polite to ask?

If this are considered friends, then I hope I have none of them. I really need someone who cares. Why is it that I do not have a stable friendship that last? All of it is like a wind that blows past. It does not last. I do not know how many times more I can take it. But for the time being, I will choose to close myself up and avoid all this trouble. My heart will be cold toward friendships until I know how to handle them. All is but dust in this world. Man are but dust that last not. Always on the giving side and I find myself without any more to give, because no one give me anything and rejuvenates me.

Logic tells me I can rely on God but fact says that I can't. I have so many let down and I can't seem to carry on this walk. I know he has a plan for me but I am just too impatient. I do not want to find excuse but I just don't know how. My walk with Christ is just filled with so many obstacles that I find it difficult to continue. Many a times I find 'Extremsad' is just so accurate for me to use. I am just so emo and it is not just my opinion. My teacher and pastor both said before that I am too emotional in handling stuff. But it is just me. If I can change that, I will not be who I am.

Right now I just want to have friends who will accompany me to eat. Not to think about anything else but good food. Somehow food just cheer me up. When friends disappoint, food is there to bring me hope. I just need friends who will ask me out for good food and a nice time of fellowship. No matter how far the place is, I will be ever willing to go if you just ask me. Chomp chomp, pasir ris or where ever the place might be, I will be there. I will be even happier if you are willing to ton with me. To chat over the night and pour our heart's contempt.

What can be better than good food and good friends beside. Even better with the endless time to spare....