Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I have been thinking about this issue for a long time. I don't mind people scolding me for what I do. I can only say they don't know me. How well do you know me? I learn from spiritual leaders who clearly put God's words before them. I am not saying they are always right but they really made sense.

It is not that I think big of myself or self-righteous that you might call it. I do want to leave and take a break. I stayed because someone told me to stay. I wanted to quite ministry but someone discourage me to. It is not ego that is at work. It is not about myself. It is not self-fish or wishful thinking on my part. Is there a need to gang up with others to do all this? Is our friendship not strong enough for you to come and talk to me?

Have you ever stop this childish actions and think about what you have done? I am not denying that I am also in the wrong, but do your actions justify the cause? I have seen many of this and I am still a leader by appointment. Have I no right to do any actions? Is so then the right action is to inform the pastors. If as a leader, I can't do anything, then I guess this leadership post is just for act. What discipline can we correct by just standing there doing nothing?

I am not trying to push the blame but the purpose of a blog is to express oneself. Do you know what I am going through now? Do you know my struggle? Do you know what problems am I facing? Do you know how much I yearn to leave ministry? Do you know how much I desire to backslide? Just what is wrong for my to vent my frustration on my blog? I do not want to go around talking to people about all this things. Have I mentioned names? Have I bad-mouth anyone? So why can't I let out steam on my own blog?

If not for the resistance, I would have left the church long ago. I am not worried of going to hell because I know I did enjoy good memories which will bring me through sufferings. I do treasure my friends in church, but where do they put me? Do you only consider those who will go out and play with you and does not correct you to be your friend? Tell me what have I done insufficient as a friend? Come to me if you have a problem with me and don't talk behind my back.

I am not trying to compare to Jesus because I am not worthy. But Jesus did go through insults and misunderstanding when he tried to teach the jews. People don't try to understand his stand and just disagree with him just because He don't go with what they are doing.

I hope that pastor will take away my ministry and let me leave church. If you all think I am wrong then let it be. No point for my to defend my stand. But I hope that you all will see what you all are doing in an unbias point of view. No point dwelling in a friendship that is not mine to stay. I can still have worldly friends who will not cause me to have so much heartache. If you all misunderstand me, so be it. But ask yourselves, do you know what I am doing? Not to be righteous or anything but to make sure you all are doing the right things.

I am weary of this walk with God. With all the misunderstandings and problems. I need a long break. I don't mind being in hell and suffer eternal torment. I do have many flaws and weaknesses. But whenever I do things for God, I do it wholeheartedly. When I don't, I don't do with an unwilling heart. I thought you would understand me but if you don't, I guess you still don't know me yet. As friends, we won't last if we don't know each other well.

I will be bluffing if I say I don't miss you. You can ask people around how much I treasure you. I am not saying I will not support you but I just want you to make sure that you are not doing anything folly. Have I not supported you in anything? You are the one that says you want to hear the truth. The truth is painful and I know. You think I have never receive any of such? I used to have leaders telling me what to do and my behaviour. They pin-point all my faults and tell me off. If you say they do all this to show their love to me, have I shown less love to you than any of them?

Have I corrected any of you based on my own personal gains? Have I done the wrong things by telling you off? You can say that you are more spiritual than me, I won't deny. But doing what is right, I guess I am doing much better. I do know what you are feeling and going through. Am I so cold that I don't know what is love? If you two are both in love, I will not say anything. But consider if your intention is pure. Have I shown anything less than a friend?