Sunday, February 18, 2007

Firstly wishing all a happy Chinese New Year. Wish everyone enjoy this time of celebration. Play well, eat well and lots of ang baos.

Well not really in the mood for celebrations. A lot of things on my mind and maybe also A levels this year. Tons of homework waiting for me to touch them, exams and tests waiting for me to study. Responsibilities there for me to undertake and Badminton training waiting for me.

So many things on my mind recently. Studies is surely one of them, but it is not rank top. Friendships, relationships, church, spiritual life and so many more. Don't know how long I can take all this. Going down real soon. I guess I will soon get into depression and overstressed. I am losing my grip on God. I can't seem to hold on.

Most important issue is relationship. This girl in school is in my mind almost everyday. Know her since last year and really get to know her better since end of last year. Friendly, cheerful, and helpful. Her smile just entice and charmed me. I really want to jio her, but I guess I am just a coward who fear rejections. Maybe I should wait will our friendship grows stronger first. And slowly get closer to her.

Secondly is friendship. Thank God for giving me so many friends that is there to keep me company. But I always feel this sense of loneliness, because who I really need is him. Once have been close but now astray. With him I feel so much happier. He is someone I feel we have so much in common. He is also one whom I am so willing to sacrifice for. But now, guess he prefer his clique of friends. Things change as time passes and I am not blaming anyone. It is part of life anyway. Nothing last forever, neither friends nor foes. But I will never forget the good times we have and I will forever hope and pray for a reconcile.

Church is another part of my life that I am facing a turmoil. To stay or to leave? To stay is because of HIM. To leave is because of THEM. God did speak to me a lot but I am just too weak now. I really hope I can be as strong as meng hui spiritually. He is really my role model in life. But the temptation to leave is just too great. I am just too hurt to remember the good times. I am just disappointed by all the negative memories. I am just so sad that I am not able to focus on God. I do not remember when was the last time I read my bible. I just can't bring myself to flip through.

I am just so confuse. I do not know what to do. To choose between worldly desire or spiritual welfare. To confront my friends in church or to just leave like the wind. To give everything up and start afresh or to fight for what I want. Decisions, decisions, decisions. How I wish HE will be there to help me out with all this like what HE promised. Or is it just a casual remark to toy with my feelings? Am I too emo? I guess I am. I am just too fragile and even more during this period of time. I really need her and HIM in my life.

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33 (NIV)

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.Proverbs 18:24(NIV)