Saturday, May 19, 2007

Right now I don't know how many is reading my blog. But if you are a true friend, please state down your name.

I have made a decision today. I am officially stepping down from my ministry. It is like a load off my mind. I am as free as a bird. Without bearing the name of a leader and the duties of one. I hate being controlled by titles and all. Being in a difficult spot and being misunderstood. I nearing want to hit someone yesterday. He said that I gave him attitude, but did he use his brains to think through? I have to be fair to all. Just because he have choir doesn't mean I have to let him play first. He choose to walk away before I can explain things out and yet want to say that I gave him attitude. Well I should have disqualified the whole team.

True, I may have an attitude but I am always fair in my judgement. I am never bias towards anyone. If people can't accept the fact, then please leave. I am tired of explaining myself.

But that is not important now. The main thing is that I am exhausted. Things that I am going through and I can't seem to find the right person to talk to. I don't know if I would backslide, but chances are that I will take a break. Not saying that God is not good. In fact he is still very good to me. He still listens to me and send people to talk to me about my decision.

The problem is with me. More than often I am too stubborn. Not willing to let go and think too much into a matter that is very simple. Even my teachers say that, so I guess this is my character. I am not blaming others. I believe that if this is God's decision, he must have his point. I am down right now, but when I am able to get up, I will be stronger than ever. Or at least I hope.

Don't remember who said this to me but it really made sense. True friends are forged when you are going through your darkest times. It is when he/she is there to comfort you and encourage you all the way. I am really facing the dilemma but I guess all of it is solved.

Being in a ministry is what I wanted. Maybe even in the G12 or even Cell Group leader. But now, I guess I am still not up to it. Right now, I just hope to be a nobody and attend church and pray that God can heal my physically, mentally and emotionally. I gave up one so that I can still convince myself to step into church. But I guess the problem now is how do I tell people that I have stepped down. I can't be committed to any ministry now. I am just too weak spiritually. It is like after the Spartans fought a tough war with their enemy. This round, the enemy found my weak spot and attack it head on. I am too vulnerable to fight back. I have no choice but to put down my weapons and beat retreat.

I don't need pity now. I just hope for some support. Friends or no friends I don't mind. At least I know I have friends somewhere else that appreciate me. This will be what drive me on.

"Loving someone is like a tattoo. It will not hurt if it is not deep." My version is, "A friend is also like having a tattoo. It will not hurt if it is not deep."