Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Feeling emo right now. Feel like crying but my tears are almost dried. Stressed but of course. Assignments due tomorrow and I have yet to touch them. Just can't focus I guess. There is a test tomorrow and I have yet prepare for it.

I am so lost right now. Should I ask her? I can't get over her. The feeling of her beside me, the sound of her voice. When she hold my hand, the feeling is there. Am I just desperate? I so want to mention her name here so that she will know I love her. There is just no friends that is beside me now. I turned away some of them because they are just not who I need right now. True that they have known me for so long but I just don't think they are those that I want beside me right now.

God just seem so far. I even question God yesterday. I asked him so many question. I asked him for his plans. I guess I am just not strong enough to pull through. God just brings me up to cloud 9 and dropped me so hard that I fall onto the ground. I get jealous, angry and even hatred when I think about it. I wish I could just pull out. I can't take anymore setbacks. God's favor is not on me anymore. Nothing seems to go right. Nobody seems to understand me. While walking home from Orchard yesterday, so many things just appear in my mind. My tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes. I have tried, I really did. But I guess I just don't fit in. I need my own environment, drowning myself in Badminton. Why? Why is God not answering my prayer?
I really need the support this year as I am doing my A levels. I can't afford to be distracted. But I know if I continue, I will not be able to focus. Call it selfish or whatsoever, but I really hope for a 100 per cent commitment from my friends. To be there for me 24/7 and me alone. To care for me and to accompany me. Stick by me at all times. True, it may sound demanding but I am not forcing. It is just what I wish for. Know me and love me at all times.

Maybe what I really need is her. After all she is who I dream of all the time. Since God has failed me and church mate has been disappointing, she is all I have left. But I am just to afraid and timid to confess to her. Does she just treat me as a friend? Does she has any feelings for me? At least I do.

Sorry meng hui, I tried to mix in but I guess I am just not able to fit in. I live in my own world and my own demands. I did tried but I guess I am just not good enough for you all. Not that I am too holy but I am just confuse. I just hope to do accordance to God's words and not live a double standard life. Being a white wash tomb is the last thing I want. I really do not want to leave you guys but if I stay, I will be hurt even more. I am really tired and I really need a break. A long long break. Heal my broken heart and to recuperate. The time will be coming soon.

I do not know if choosing this path is correct but I just feel very tired and stressful. I need someone who cares. The obstacles and sacrifices I have made in this journey is really tough. Knowing what is right is easy, but doing what is right is just so difficult. The temptation is just too great and I am too weak on my own. I need someone to comfort me. I thought luke can be a substitute for meng hui but I am wrong. No matter how good he is to me, he is still not meng hui. The feeling is different. Luke has his own friends and own thinking. I really hope that he can substitute meng hui and we can be as good a friend as possible.

ExTrEmSaD will always be extreme sad. I really hope to change. Will you help me?